A lot.

There's been so much happening lately, I can hardly wrap my brain around it.

I've been working a lot more lately. Sherwood Oral Surgery has been up and running since April, but only in the last month or so has it really started to take off. This means that I've been working on Tuesday's and Friday afternoons over in Sherwood. It's been an interesting experience. The office over there is quite a bit different from the Portland office. The people over there are nice, but the dynamic is SIGNIFICANTLY different than the Portland office. Of course it's going to be different - I've been with the Portland office for almost 11 years...I'm used to it. Over in Sherwood, however, it's just different. I can't explain it any other way.

Then, the actual office itself is like 20,000sqft or something INSANE! There's entirely too much room to get lost in. I can't figure out where I'm going half the time. Oh, and I've chinned twice now. It's weird. I don't know if I like that part of it because you have to hold still for so long and my hands kind of cramp. I'm not complaining though...too much.

I have a lot of new responsibilities that I've never had before for this new office and I'm both excited to learn and scared to death. Mostly scared because I'm extremely anal retentive and everything has to be perfect. And since my doctor has lost some receipts, etc...well, that just makes me all nervous and such. LOL

We're planning a trip to Mt. Hood this weekend and into early next week. I'm excited for another break, even if it is only a couple of days this time. The following week we hope to head out to either Haag Lake or Detroit Lake...haven't decided yet. I have to be back by the 25th for my next hearing. Hopefully the last one before the trial in October. I can't wait for that mess to be over and done with...it's too much sometimes.

So, the kids have been doing very well. They are all rapidly getting bigger and making me laugh with the things they say. I told Alex the other day that he was going to be such a big boy going to Kindergarten and he says, "Being a big kid is lame!" Nice huh? That one is going to be just like his father with all his little quirks and quick wittiness. A little mini-Jon.

I hope this finds you all well and having a great summer! :)

Another funny.

It seems the only things I've been posting lately have been things that the kids say that I find funny. For the sake of keeping things perserved and remembered, I had to share this as well.

I made lunch this afternoon and the kids were playing in the living room with dominos. They were building all sorts of things, houses, tables, chairs, making robots...just all sorts of things. Anyway, I called them to the table so we could eat and placed their food in their respective places.

Just as we were all gathered together, Alex said, "Wait! Hang on mom we have to do something real quick, even smart people forget things!" And he ran off to make his creation before he forgot what it was that he wanted to make.

That kid cracks me up more times than I even post...hot dang!

Ancestors

Today during breakfast I had a very interesting conversation with my children. Alex started it. He asked me whether I had two moms. I told him that I had only one mom that gave birth to me, but another mom, Grandma Susan, who stepped in when my mom couldn't. Essentially. That seemed to bode well with them.

A few minutes later, Austin asked me if I knew my dad. I told him that I did not. He wondered why my mom didn't know who he was. How to explain that mess to him... Alex piped in and said, "Maybe your dad didn't like your mom." Simple enough right? Maybe...I really don't know anything to explain further on the subject so I get up to put more food on our plates to drop the subject.

Then, Alex pipes up and asks, "Mom, do we have ancestors?" I told him that we did.

Austin then asks, "Do we have an-brothers, too?" I had to ask him what he said again to be sure, and he repeated himself. At this point I'm twitching around in silent laughter because dang, that was funny right there.

I explained to him what having an ancestor meant and I don't think he really understood why I was laughing so hard, but seemed to accept the answer.

Kids say the funniest things.

Burnt

Yesterday I had this great idea. Don't put on sunscreen...get a little burnt and it'll turn into a tan.

What the heck!?

So, I think it would have worked if it wasn't for the fact that I was out in VERY HOT weather for 4 hours. I'm lobster red, like, really.

We went to the river again yesterday and it was very relaxing and fun and there was even a slight breeze at time. I think it cooled down to like 97 degrees or something tolerable, so that was also nice.

The day before we went to the lake and low and behold, all of us got sick. Turns out that there was a rare blue green algae growing in the middle of the lake that got stirred up by a bunch of boats. When ingested it causes flu like symptoms. Yeah...

Then, if that's not bad enough, we had to worry about West Nile virus from the bugs. I got bit once, and my kids didn't get bit at all, but Calvin got a nasty bite and his leg swelled up. And Rannon...well, that poor kid has bites all up and down his legs.

But, we were out in the beautiful weather and played for hours in the water and had a blast. Was it worth it? Sure was. Towards the end of the night we might have all been thinking twice about it, especially if the bathroom was otherwise occupied, but still. It was good.

I'm not sure when we'll head back home...this feels too good to rush it right?

Ok, onto that run before it hits 85...

Rodeo

Yesterday I went to my first rodeo. It was very cool. The announcers were what made the show, I believe. Some of the riders won over $60,000!

The bull rider competition was insane. Only one bull rider managed to stay on for 8 seconds. Period. So needless to say he won that cash prize.

There was one rider whose name was Cash. His parents named their first child Rope, second child Tye, and third Cash. So when Cash had his first son, he named him Straight Cash. BiZarre. It was sort of funny though. Apparently, according to the announcers his mother, on a scale from 8-10 for hottness is a 12. They were going on and on about how hot his mom was. Poor kid.

We're planning a trip to the river today to do some rafting. It'll be 108...or something crazy, so we might not be out for that long.

It's been very relaxing on vacation. I've really enjoyed it. It's been a long time coming.

Party time?

The title says it all. I have to spill on what happened yesterday because it was just sooo funny!

I hear the doorbell and am not expecting anyone, so I run to get it...all the while thinking it's going to be a salesman asking me if they can clean my carpet for the hundredth time this week...

I open the door to find a nice young man there ready to come into my house! Upon closer inspection I realize...wait a second!? Is that a Willoughby? I'm pretty sure that's a Willoughby...

"Hey," said Willoughby says, "is this where the party's at?"

.....

"Um, no, sorry. We're not partying here right now." I laugh. *If he only knew...*

"Oh, well can you tell me where the party is?" So polite he asks, fully expecting me to know.

"Sorry hon, I didn't even know there was a party anywhere!" Laughing again.

"Oh, well, there is a party and someone said it was here..." Looks around for the first time and shrugs.


Then I proceeded to go out and talk to his mom and laugh because this was what I needed yesterday as a break. It was so funny.

We're leaving for vacation for 2 weeks. I'm so excited! It's a good thing he didn't barge in or anything because he would have been acosted by laundry anywhere he turned in my house right now. LOL

Just a bunch of junk.

The boys and Jon are camping. I'm home with Sam.

We're being lazy. It's nice.

Anyway, just now, she finally woke up for good this time. She did wake up early this morning to go to the bathroom, but curled up next to me and fell back asleep. I've been up for a bit reading.

Her stomach growled and she proudly exclaimed, "My stomach farted!" Really, really loud. It was funny. Then her stomach growled again and she started giggling. It was really cute.

Well, that's not too bad right? Last night we went to Panera for some dinner, well, I did at least. She wanted Wendy's nuggets, so we stopped there as well. While we were waiting for my food at Panera she farted. She very loudly stated that, "I farted!" There were a few people right around us and some people behind the counter who laughed. The girl making some smoothies about messed her pants I think. She was laughing so hard and told me thanks for bringing her in to brighten her day.

If that's all it took, I wonder what sort of day she had.

Anyway, we watched some cartoons when we got home and went to bed. Today, we'll eat some breakfast and get our toenails painted. I'm going to take her to the place I get my pedicures. We'll see how we manage that.

Jon and the boys will be back later today. I hope they had a lot of fun at the Ward Campout. The bishopric made the best pancakes I've ever had in my life last year...so I'm jealous that I don't get to get some this year, but since I'm taking off so much time this month as it is, I couldn't miss work to attend this year.

Now, I'm just rambling, I know, but I have to say that last night (of course it would be when Jon was gone) the strangest thing happened. Tucker tried to chew his leg off! I've never seen something like it before. I was very, very freaked out. He kept biting his leg so hard and chewing on it so hard that he would whine and growl. He looked like he was in pain or something. I looked him over and I didn't find any ticks or fleas and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. This went on for about an hour. I really have no clue what was wrong with him, but he eventually calmed and relaxed and went to sleep. It was very weird. Anyone ever hear of such strange behavior?

Anyway, I gotta stop the stomach farting...

New Quote

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson

Whoa, right?

Hotel For Dogs

So, today, Austin and Alex had a really funny conversation. What made it funny is when you realize how extremely alike your kid is to you, or your spouse. This was so totally a moment where you could completely tell that Austin is his father's son.

Austin: Hey Mom? You remember that dog on Hotel For Dogs that only had three legs? I can't remember his name...do you remember it?

Me: *thinks* Um, sorry honey, I don't even remember a dog with three legs. Maybe they called him 'old three legs'?

Austin: Yeah, maybe that's it.

Alex: How did he walk around with only 3 legs?

Austin: *proceeds to demonstrate the process*

Alex: You mean like this? *mimicks his brother and they are now both attempting a three legged walk*

Austin: Yeah, like that see.

Alex: Well did the dog die because he only had three legs?

Austin: *annoyed* You watched the same show I did! *rolls eyes*


That, right there my friend...is exactly something Jon would have said. Only he'd say it to me. I forget things all the time. It's not my fault, but I get the same response.

So funny.

Funny.

Who knew playing forts was so tiring?

A good day, sort of.

Today was another court day. It wasn't as bad as the first. I sort of knew what to expect. The defense attorney sort of irritated me, but I think he was trying to. Big jerk.

Next week I have a meeting where I'll be going over my testimony and helping the District Attorney however I can. It's the least I can do, I guess.

It looks like an end is coming though, and I really look forward to that. This has just drained me completely. I cannot get to the end fast enough. I feel plagued constantly and I'm so weary.

It looks like I'll have two more hearing dates to attend and then the trial is tentatively set for October. I don't look forward to it. What's especially hard about this is that this whole thing seems to rest on my shoulders. It's a lot of pressure and I feel crippled and burdened. And I just want to scream at people because this isn't our fault and we didn't choose this, but it feels like we're being punished. I know we're not, I know I'm not...but it feels that way.

I've prepared my victim's resolution statement that has taken me months to compose. It's been in almost every thought I've had. I tend to overthink things, but it's very important and I didn't want to miss anything. I've condensed it to 2 pages. It means I'll wear my heart on my sleeve and be vulnerable and show my broken heart, but it needs to be done. It has to be done.

Everyone is well. Sorry for the fail at updating like my usual chipper self...or disturbed self, or funny self. Meh. Whatever.

Well, I gotta head out for my run. I've been doing very, very well. I'm increasing my mileage and consistently bettering my time. It's getting easier. Although, the other day I ran up two hills in the same run, and I have to say it about killed me. Still though, I managed 10:13 per mile...not too shabby for a big girl like me. :)

I hope you are all well.

Happy News

First, to explain the happy news, I should tell you the terrible news.

Last week, Tuesday, our three dogs, Buddy, Cherrio and Grey died. It was one the most horrific things I've ever had to witness. It breaks my heart.

Samantha, being the adventurer we all know she is, found some gopher poison (we didn't even know we had this) and emptied the entire bottle into the dog's water dish. I won't go into detail, except to say that it all happened very, very quickly. I was able to be with Buddy and Grey during their final moments. Cherrio, sadly, died alone.

While our hearts are still very much broken and we are still in a bit of shock from the loss of three of our family members, we found ourselves quite lonely around here...despite all the noise going on and people around.

We decided to look for another dog. This is not to say that our feelings of saddness or the loss of our friends is any less.

So, we now have Tucker. Tucker is almost 3 years old and he's a Brittany Spaniel. He's very, very cute. He's very shy, but really good around the kids. He's never been on stairs before, so that's sort of funny to watch. He pretty much flies down the stairs if he has to go on them, but refuses to go up them.

He has a special fondness of me, which is good, but hasn't been ideal today. Simply because I'm getting dictation caught up and he's sitting under the desk at my feet farting like nobody's business. Which is repulsive to say the least...in fact, I can see the green fumes wafting up as I type. So NOT COOL!

Anyway, he's been fine so far and we look forward to having him a long, long time.

Very sweet.

What Love means to a 4-8 year old. Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
________________________________

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore..So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
________________________________

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
________________________________

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
________________________________

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
________________________________

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
________________________________

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
________________________________

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more...My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
________________________________

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7
________________________________

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
________________________________

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
________________________________

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
________________________________

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
________________________________

'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
________________________________

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
________________________________

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.'
Chris - age 7
________________________________

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
________________________________

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
________________________________

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.'
Karen - age 7
________________________________
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
________________________________

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
________________________________

And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

Beach

I don't typically call the Oregon Coast the beach. If simply for the fact that I think of the beach as really warm and sunny and when your feet touch the sand...well the sand is hot.

But...yesterday we went to the beach and it was sunny, reasonably warm and the sand was hot on your feet. It was beautiful and we didn't even need jackets. The kids wore jackets, however, because I made them.

Andrea and James tagged along, they even agreed to ride with Austin and Alex...and I'm told they talked constantly. We lucked out on the ride home because everyone was so exhausted and didn't have much energy to move around or talk or anything else.

We ended up getting like $35.00 worth of candy, which at this one shop meant that we got 5 pieces of taffy. Just kidding...about only getting 5 pieces. We got fudge, taffy, chocolate and just a ton of candy. Then...if that wasn't bad enough, we got ice cream afterwords. However, I'm happy to report that since we paid an arm and leg to get the candy first, we were able to save .25cents/cone we bought. Black Licorice ice cream is the absolute best.

It was busy, long day and we walked miles, but we shared time together, had fun and made memories. More importantly we got to share love with each other by holding hands, playing sand castles and being us.

We need more days like that. :)

The pinkie sneaky.

I went for a run tonight, did 2 1/2 miles. It felt really, really good. While I was running I was thinking about my day and specifically my children because, well, they sort of hang around a lot and it's hard not to notice them. Not to mention that they need to be fed and watered, like, all the time. So, chances are, during the day I'm spending time with them...constantly. LOL

Anyway, what I'm about to tell you us fail proof. Well, mostly. I don't think I've shared this with you before, and while running I thought of that and felt it just completely selfish of me not to. Thus, I will explain to you the pinkie trick. It's a little sneaky, but it works. Seriously.

As a parent, I want to believe I've raised honest to goodness kids. They don't lie to me...often. When they do, I can tell they are lying by using their pinkie...and that same pinkie tells me with 99.9% accuracy whether or not they are telling the truth, or lying. It's very simple really. I should also note that I did not come up with this on my own, but my sweet Vondie Blondie passed it on to me years ago. It's darn near fail safe. In fact, when you use pinkie and said pinkie produces and tells you your child has lied...95% of the time you get a confession and, "I'm sorry". So...it's highly effective.

Here's what you do. It's very simple. Takes little time. The first time you use this trick, you may need to explain it a little to the party involved in suspicious activity or whatever. For example:

Me: "I'm going to ask you a question and I will know if you are lying or not. Austin, did you poke your brother in the eye on purpose?" <---Something simple, to the point, they can answer yes or no.

Austin: "No"

Me: "Let me see your pinkie." <---simple simple simple. (Note, it doesn't matter if it's left or right pinkie...they both tell the truth.)

Austin: Shows me his pinkie while sort of hiding it and glancing at it.

Me: "You've just lied to me. Your pinkie told me the truth. You did poke your brother in the eye on purpose."

Austin: "Well he was bugging me!" <---confession and angrily shoves pinkie into pocket. Will probably teach that pinkie thing or two later.


SO...now we have an example out of the way let me explain. When you ask your child to show you their pinkie, if they are lying they will become uncomfortable, will look at their pinkie, maybe try to hide it from your complete view, wiggle it around a little bit like they think it'll sport a mouth and start talking to you...maybe even all of these things simultaneously. When they do this, you know they are lying. They are looking at their pinkie to see what on earth you can see that tells you they're lying.

When you ask your child to show you their pinkie and they show you their pinkie straight away, hold it up bold, do not look at it and look at you instead, they are telling the truth. Everytime. (Unless they figure out the trick, in which case...good luck with that now.) They don't have any fear or hesitation because they know they are telling the truth. They don't need to see what their pinkie looks like because there's no way it would betray them. Then you can praise them for being truthful. (They might, after you're done, reflect on their pinkie to determine how in the heck you know this...I think I clocked Austin sitting his bed one night pinching it, moving it all around and just overall baffled on how it could possibly tell me the truth everytime for like 15 minutes.)

So there you have it. Vonda said that this trick worked for her son until he was almost 15. So, that's really saying something. LOL

LOL

Seriously. I spoke too soon. Alex and Sam have the flu, again. I knew it was too good to be true. I hope it's only a 24 hour thing this time.

Last night and tonight I got so many deals at the store using the Living Well deal at Safeway. It's ridiculous. :)

Here's what I got with $47.12:

6 80 count Hefty Large Kitchen bags
12 12pack cans coke products (caffiene free, of course)
3 24pack bottled water
8 packs gum
32 boxes of capri suns
2 packages 1lb ground turkey
2 packages Tyson chicken nuggets (large bag)
4 packages American singles cheese
6 pkgs of 4 count Smart Balance butter
6 tubs Smart Balance butter
1 6 pack Dove bar soap
1 large Lawry's seasoning salt
2 12 count pop tarts
1 bag Fritos
1 bag Tostitos chips
2 gallons milk
4 12rolls of Cottenelle toilet paper
10 pkgs Electrosol gel tabs
1 bottle Life Water
1 tin foil
1 Lysol disinfectant


That's it. I should have spent without coupons: $405.79...not a bad haul. Average savings of about 88%....or so. I'll take it.

Betcha ya thought I'd dropped off the face of the earth!!

So, I've not been good at all at updating lately. My bad. I've not kept up on anyone else's blogs either, so I've got a bit of catching up to do.

Special shout out to Kristina for checking on me to see if I was still kicking. I saw your comment yesterday and feel blessed to have such a sweet and exceptionally funny blogging friend. Thanks. :)

I've been bummed because I did injury myself the last time I wrote and it's still not 100% healed. And, just like this last summer when I'm certain I broke my foot, I've not gone to the doctor. I'm really stubborn.

But tonight I did run 2 1/2 miles, record time. My leg hurts, but it's not unbearable. Which means, to prevent further injury, I'll work out on the elliptical tomorrow instead of run again. I look forward to it.

Everyone's healthy. Jon finally got over whatever the heck he had, it took antibiotics, but he's finally a lot better. I still get woken up in the middle of the night by his cough, but it's much better. The kids, expect for Austin, are well. He's still got that same crap. Jon and Austin are going on what...8-9 weeks of being sick straight? Crazy.

Work is going good. I'm working extra this week because a co-worker is on vacation, and I teach preschool...it'll be a busy week.

I've got about 50% of my coupons sorted, which is saying a whole heck of a lot. Andrea and Vickie, bless their little hearts and fingers, helped me clip coupons yesterday. I don't know that they really realize how much they've helped me out, but they did. I'm grateful to them. A lot.

I had a little bit of a break through today and didn't even realize it until my run tonight - that's why I love running...I get to think about things and sort through things and pound it out. Anyway, I don't really know how to say it other than I saw him today and I didn't get upset. Or, frightened or worried or frantic or anything. I actually thought he looked like he was having fun...and what's more is that I hoped he was! There was no other emotion other than that. Hope. It's awesome.

Sam cut her hair again today. I didn't freak out as badly as last time. It's just hair right? At least it wasn't a finger...

I'll update again later this week. I just had to sit down and rest for a bit and let everyone know something.

Gah.

I've been running since, the last few weeks in March? I don't remember when exactly. I remember starting out and there was a lot of pain, dates on the other hand....not so much. I made a goal, way back when, to run 10 miles in 1 week. I've yet to hit that goal. It's not that I can't, it's that I just haven't. I've had a few days where I ran 2 miles in the morning and then 2 at night, but then go the next day without running at all. So, it's been a little sporadic.

Yesterday I ran 2 miles and it felt easy. So, since that started my week off...I was feeling really good and thought tonight I'd run 3 miles. This would have been my first attempt at 3 miles and...I'll have to make that attempt another day. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I was barely able to run 1.25miles. I pushed and pushed, but finally had to just stop. I don't know what happened, but it feels like I broke a bone or something, either that or my muscle cramped up so hard that I couldn't bear it any longer. I've pushed through pain before, but this pain was something new. It didn't feel right. I barely made it out of the gym without hobbling like a ninnie, which meant I just had to walk very, very slowly.

So, we'll see what tomorrow brings. I think I'll take the day off. LOL

Oh, and what is up with Oregon spring weather? Holy buckets! The kids got to play outside in the sprinkler today...and they weren't even cold! I know! Bizarre! I just don't know what to make of it. I'm lovin' it though...I played in the water, too. :)

I've not posted much as of late because, well I've not had anything of worth to say. I can't explain the emotions I've gone through in the last several months and feel it a waste of time to even try. I would stop here if weren't for the fact that I need to try to sort through some things.

I just am. I just am.

Where to even start? I know that the "impossible situation" thing is where it started for me. I felt I was working through things and coming to grips with how things were working or weren't and that I was ok with it. I really thought I was able to rise above and see things for what they were. I'm such a fool.

Friday, the one day I work out of the home, I had an incident which makes me feel particularly low, down trodden and brought up emotions I thought I'd dealt with. But, I'm weak, and even as my knees buckled and my throat tightened up and I panicked...I just was. I had all of these feelings that came to the surface, but even as all the color left my face I felt nothing. I just was.

I mean, come on! I only work one day a week...what are the chances that I'd have to face the one person who has this overwhelming power over me to make me cringe and shake and flustered? The one person who I haven't seen in months? There he was, staring me in the face, just as startled as me I imagine. And this is one of the few places where I feel completely safe and at ease, and he just took that away from me. He broke a barrier, unknowingly, and was there staring at me. And I've done nothing wrong and I felt uncomfortable. And, it wasn't fair that I was the one who had to leave. I work there. I have a right to be there. But I couldn't be there. And while I know that my doctors know what is going on and my office manager, too, it didn't make it any easier that they understood. I just hate that my will is broken.

I have no will.

I just am.

So, I move along. I'm functioning, but I'm so lost. Like I said, I can't explain it. The only thing I feel I can relate it to is that I have no light left, and that's not even true. My light is just very dim. It seems like every solution I've come up with falls short of what I need. And while I know that Heavenly Father wants me to work this out with Him, I feel like every solution I come up with on my own isn't good enough to take to Him because it's wrong. I really try to be open and listen and wait for His hand to guide me, but I'm impatient and selfish because I just want it to be done. I'm just done.

I'm still doing things that I should, still following the routine, still praying and studying the scriptures. I just don't know what I'm searching for. I don't know what will make this right. I've never been so conflicted.

It's not like I'm feeling like "oh, poor me", because I'm not. Not really. I've come to realize that I was just born, in part, to have this capacity to just endure all things. Well, I don't know how true that is, but it's how I feel. I can endure this, and maybe even appreciate it someday.

I just want to be able to understand it and endure it better now. I don't think that's too much to ask, or maybe I'm just asking the wrong things. Of course, it's impossible for me to know which one it is now.

I'm tired.

It was my turn to do scripture and prayer tonight. And, because I'm lazy, or just extremely smart, I just flipped open the scriptures to read from where ever the pages fell open. Wouldn't you know where that was? John 14 and 15...no particular verses needed. That should say it all. What a place to turn to when I'm feeling like this. Whatever it is that I'm feeling, the feeling that has no name. What a place to turn! I can't say which verses are my favorite because basically all of John is one of my favorites.

Chapter 14 verse 18-19: "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also."

Chapter 14 verse 27: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Chapter 15 verse 12-27 (clipped): "This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.""Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you...""These things I command you, that ye love one another.""And ye also shall bear witness, because ye have been with me from the beginning."

So, I know that by doing my part peace will come. I just wish I felt it completely right now instead of just bits of it. I want to be overwhelmed with peace.

Computer funny.

BILL GATES vs GMFor all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the waycomputers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared thecomputer industry with the auto industry and stated:'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, wewould all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:'If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all bedriving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love thispart):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. Youwould have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you couldcontinue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would causeyour car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you wouldhave to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, wasreliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but wouldrun on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would allbe replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation'warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you outand refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the doorhandle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learnhow to drive all over again because none of the controls would operatein the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate -their computer!


Ok...so I especially love #8...so funny.

Feeling better.

You couldn't tell by looking at me, hearing me talk (that's for sure), but I feel better, finally. I'm really super excited. So, I'm going to do what I always do when I get an inch...I'm going to take a mile...actually two. I'm going to go for a run tonight for the first time, in like, forever. I didn't end up running Friday after work after all because I only made it at work for 1 hour before I got even more sick. I wouldn't have gone to work at all had I known that puking would rear its ugly head. Ya, this really was the worst flu ever.

Anyway, the kids are doing good, which is a HUGE plus. Now, Jon and I just need to get our act together. I should mention that he's been sick with this crap, too, just not as bad as me...or if he was as bad he certainly handled it much better than I did. And that, is entirely possible.

I've got so much stuff to get done now that I feel better. The house is a mess and I've just got so much stuff to do...laundry, cleaning, organizing, couponing...and that's a big one. I've not straightened out my coupon crap for weeks...

So, better get on that. Ya.

Short Update

So I got myself all worked up and excited about running 10 miles this week, which I completely planned on doing, but so far I've only been able to run 6 miles. I got the flu, which, of course, meant that I couldn't move to do anything pretty much. I'm hoping that tomorrow after work I'll have enough energy to go to the gym and run 2 miles. This would put my total running miles for the week to 8 miles, which is two less than my goal, but I did also do 2 miles on my eliptical on Monday in addition to my run...so I don't feel so bad about it, especially since I didn't plan on getting the flu.

We'll see if I make it tomorrow after a long day at work. I'm thinking I can do it.

Goals

I have absolutely everything and nothing to say. Surprised? Naw, I tend to be like that sometimes.

Firstly, I'm running again. It feels so good. I can't even tell you. I started off slow, well for me anyway. I began by running a 12 minute mile. This is by no means fast, and I was very discouraged when I first started, which was at the end of February, I think. By the end of the first week, while it was difficult to walk, I pressed on...or rather ran on. I was encourged further the second week when I shaved 1 whole minute off my time! Wat Wat! Then, also, it didn't hurt so bad after words, which was a definite plus. This last week, I ran the same 1 mile route early in the week, but started pushing it too hard. I had to stop about 3/4 of the way through it and actually walk. I made it back to the house still in 11 minutes...which tells me I was just pushing myself beyond what my body could do at the time. I just had to stop because I couldn't control my breathing. So, until I get a hang of things again I decided to actually use my gym membership. LOL

I've had a gym membership for so many years, at least 8? Anyway, I pay like $9.00/month for unlimited gym time at any Bally's, but I never use it. Partly because for years I've been using the eliptical at home and the Bow Flex, which I love. But, now that I've started running again I decided that it would be best if I ran on a treadmill to pace myself better. When I'm on the road I tend to go faster than I should. When I'm on a treadmill, it sets the pace and I can keep along with it. At least for a few months I think I'm going to go to the gym until I know what my pace is and what my body can do before I do road running again. Sounds like a reasonable plan to me.

Now for the exciting part...I went to the gym this week. I like to work out in the women's section because I'm just nervous around people in general sometimes...especially when I'm all jiggly and HUGE...don't want people gauking at me or nothing (not that they do anyway, it's just a brain thing for me). When I got there, I almost went home because the woman's treadmills were taken already. Bummer. I thought I'd try the stair stepper, but then I realized that I just really wanted to run. So, I held my chin up and went out to run with the big boys. There was one treadmill left. I took it gladly.

It was sandwiched right between a guy with tattoos and piercings gallore, and a woman who was like...Victoria Secret supermodel hottness, head turner extraorindaire. So, of course I began sweating nervously and again thought about just leaving. But I didn't.

I got on that thing and put my head phones on and played The All American Rejects "Gives You Hell" on repeat and just had at it. I mean I tore the place up! The very attractive, hugmongo boobed gal next to me wasn't even going as fast as I was! I surprised myself because I actually did a mile in 11 minutes! So, my pace wasn't so far off as I thought.

I stopped there, after a cool down, of course, and then went home. So, Saturday, I decided to give it another shot and headed to the gym. I was relieved when there was one treadmill available in the women's section and started my workout. I'm extremely proud to say that I ran 2 whole miles without stopping! It took me 21 minutes exactly. :) For all of you who are bad with math, that means I shaved 30 seconds more off my best time for a mile! Wat Wat! I was all crazy on that thing! :)

So I set a new goal for myself starting Saturday...I'm going to run 10 miles this week. What!??! I know...that means I'll need to do 2 miles a day or so. I'm going to do it. I'm kind of excited to see if I can endure it.

Of course, I want to loose weight so I weighed myself so I can check my progress. Here's the thing. Since I started working out again almost 1 1/2 years ago now (it's been a long time) I've lost 44lbs. I know it...that's like Alex, almost. I hope that with this new routine I'll be able to shed some more lbs and get healthier. I look forward to it. Kind of exciting. :)

Secondly, I'm happy to report that Jon and I have come up with a new plan about church. Since the kids have been so sick for, like, months, one or sometimes both of us (because we get sick too) have missed church. This has been totally depressing me, seriously. So, we've come up with a plan so that we don't miss church on Sunday's...even if the kids are sick. One of us will go to our ward with the kid(s) who aren't sick, the other one will stay home with the other kid(s). Then once our church is over, Jon's parents ward will be starting and gives us enough time to get things together so that the one who stayed home first can go to church after all, just to a different ward. Why didn't we think of this before!??! Hey, at least we're thinking of it now. I'm really excited about this plan and I hope it works out like I want it to.

Thirdly, I'm really trying to keep the house tidier. I'm wiping things down constantly and picking things up more because we have been so sick. I'm hoping that keeping things more germ free will help, a lot.

Lastly, well, actually I don't really have a lastly. I just feel happy. :) That's all.

Lesson learned

Tonight it was my turn to read scriptures and say the prayer before bed. In fact, I just finished doing that and had to run down here to type this up, because it is just too priceless. I was reading in Alma, Chapter 36. So when I read verses 6 and 7, I briefly explained that Alma and the Son's of Mosiah were being very naughty and so Heavenly Father sent an angel to talk to them.

Austin, bless his heart, got really confused for a minute, lifted his hand up as if to halt me and said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa....you mean we're supposed to be good?!?" Confused at first myself, I said, well, yeah. His brows furrowed close together and he looked just really confused then. Then it dawned on me what he was meaning to say. I don't even think he realized what he was saying to begin with because what I think he was meaning to convey was that he thought that Alma the younger and the Sons of Mosiah were good. We've read this chapter before, I don't even remember how long ago it was, but he only remembered that they became good.

After we talked further and discussed the chapter, he became more comfortable and sure of what he was saying. But man, it was so funny. I just had to put this down for memory sake.

Austin, dude...I love you. You're so awesome. Thanks for making me smile. A lot.

Fear

As it turns out, Sam is afraid of spiders. Unfortunately, for her, she lives in a family where she will be teased mercilessly about this. This does not mean that we will go out of our way to find a spider and throw it on her (although just imagining her jumping around squeeling does sort of make me grin...I know - I'm horrible), but rather means that if anyone of us sees a spider we will probably run and get her to show it to her. Again, I know this is horrible.

I found this out because yesterday she was on the toilet doing her business and I was doing dictation and heard through my ear phones, "Mom! Spider!" so loudly that I'm sure the neighbors heard her, too. I went in there to see what the deal was and she was darn near completely in the toilet bowl cringing to get away from said intruder. I look to where she's pointing near frantically and see something the size of this > * <...very slowly walking toward her. Now, I can see that she's obviously scared. She sweating profusely and trembling. However, I could not help laughing. She looks at me incredulously, probably thinking, "Are you seriously laughing at me? Don't you know this huge spider could rip my head off!?", but instead says, "Not funny, mommy! Make it dead!". So, I comply.

After I smash it, I open up the tissue to show it to her and she continues to freak out (because, you know, spiders are capable of sustaining such a squish). I show her that the spider is, in fact, no longer with us and not to be afraid. Not until I throw it in the trash does she calm down and climb out of the toilet.

Ya, we're all going have fun with this one.

Muahaha

I took Sam and Austin to the doctor today because I thought Austin had strep and an ear infection and Sam had pink eye. Turns out that Sam and Alex have fluid behind their ear drums, but it doesn't look infected...yet...so we're to keep an eye on that. Austin and Sam have the flu. Austin is trying to get over it and Sam is just starting to get it. Figures. I'm a little miffed that I paid $40.00 in copays just to find out there's nothing I can do besides feed and water them. Jon said something along the lines of "Told you so.." To which I replied, "Didn't you know that 'I told you so' has a brother? His name is "SHUT THE HECK UP". Naw...I didn't say that outloud, just thought it (and toned it down a little considering that saying originally came from The Simpsons).

Anyway, gotta run...it's too hard to type with a little girl sitting on my lap.

On a lighter note...

I may go back and talk about The Shack some more at some point, but not now. (I re-read the previous posts and sound sort of preachy and didn't mean that...sorry guys.)

Today I was upstairs making dinner and the kids were downstairs watching a cartoon...Danny Phantom...or something like that. A few of them decided to rummage around in my office...no doubt looking for Peeps or some other tasty treat. Sam and Alex found a lighter in a container that I have a lot of birthday stuff and candles in and some paper plates, etc. Well, they thought that this would be a fun toy.

Not so much.

Now...we don't smoke, and as you can tell by where the lighter was...don't often have use for a lighter or matches. I've never really thought to tell them not to play with fire, at least Sam anyway. I'm pretty sure that we've talked to the boys about this. Like I said though, it's not like we have these sorts of things lying around the house for them to worry about anyway.

I know it has to be Alex because the thing is too hard for Sam to push down the safety and light the darn thing, but I found a roll of toilet paper in the trash can after I got back from my run tonight. (Ya...I've been doing good and shaved 1 minute off my mile run...yay me!) I check out the roll and find that it was half charcoal and half nice white paper. Grrr.....then I start to look around the bathroom and find little ashes all over the darn vanity. It looks like there was a successful attempt at putting out the fire...probably not before someone crapped bricks.

I've never thought to put a smoke detector in the bathroom, but now I'm reconsidering that. How blessed are we that it wasn't much worse? Man...sometime I wonder what could possibly be going through their heads sometimes.

I know Austin didn't have any part in it because he was on the couch from the time he got home freezing (takes after me I guess..I had on knee high socks today, jeans, and FOUR shirts and sweater and then had a blanket on me all day and was still cold)...oh and I should mention he's got a sore throat and fever of 102.2....here we go again.

Things are so eventful around here, it's no wonder why we don't go very many places...it's just too entertaining at the Garver house.

More heavy...The Shack

I didn't even get my tooth worked on today, they were doubled booked. I guess that's what happens when you get free dental work - family can wait apparently. Oh well, I'll get it done tomorrow. Moving on...

Part of healing is coming to a better understanding of God...please don't misinterpret - I, in no way, claim to understand Him completely, but I feel him at work in my life in the things that I do that are truly good. I wish I could just type out this whole book for you to read because it has a lot of good stuff in it...but that would take entirely too long and not all of it is truth so I don't want anyone to get confused about some pretty major things if they didn't have a testimony of such things already for themselves. (Make sense?)

Anyway, here's something that Papa explains to Mack that I thought was very interesting indeed about what and who he is. "...I am what some would say 'holy, and wholly other than you.' The problem is that many folks try to grasp some of sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn't much, and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think." "Even though you can't fully grasp me, guess what? I still want to be known." " By nature I am completely unlimited, without bounds. I have always known fullness." "We (speaking now as God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost) created you to share in that. But then Adam chose to go it on his own, as we knew he would, and everything got messed up. But instead of scrapping the whole Creation we rolled up our sleeves and entered into the middle of the mess - that's what we have done in Jesus."

I'll stop here for a just minute and offer something extra. What we're living is not Jesus' plan. It's our Heavenly Father's plan and we are His children. Some might argue this who believe that God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost are One being and so argue that if it is one of their plans it is all of theirs. I agree, to an extent but only to suggest that they are, indeed, one having the same purpose, but are entirely complete and separate beings...later on in the book it will be explained as such, but not before it confuses things up a bit..here's that part: "We are not three gods, and we are not talking about one god with three attitudes, like a man who is a husband, father and worker. I am one God and I am three persons, and each of the three is fully and entirely the one."

This next part, while beautifully written and holds truth as it applies only to Christ is a little off the mark simply because of what I stated above. For those of you out there who believe it as it is written, I still believe it is written beautifully and have to put it down because of that. "...we became fully human. We also chose to embrace all the limitations that this entailed. Even though we have always been present in this created universe, we now became flesh and blood. It would be like this bird, whose nature it is to fly, choosing only to walk and remain grounded. He doesn't stop being the bird, but it does alter his experience of life significantly." (That's a understatement to say the least.) "Although by nature he is fully God, Jesus is fully human and lives as such. While never losing the innate ability to fly, he chooses moment-by-moment to remain grounded." - While I know Christ's decision to fullfill the law and come to earth and die for us was his choice, reading it that way helped me better understand it...but again, I don't claim to have a complete understanding. Papa continues, "Mackenzie, I can fly, but humans can't. Jesus is fully human. Although he is also fully God, he has never drawn upon his nature as God to do anything. He has only lived out of his relationship with me, living in the very same manner that I desire to be in relationship with every human being. He is just the first to do it to the uttermost - the first to absolutely trust my life within him, the first to believe in my love and my goodness without regard for appearance or consequence." I love this! I would add that not only was Christ the first to do this, but the only one to do this. Sure, I think there have been men, and women, who are good through and through, but they are still only human and not perfect. Christ is perfect.

Papa continues, "All love and relationship is possible for you only because it already exists within Me, within God myself. Love is not the limitation; love is flying. I am love." I think that most of us know this: God = Love. Ok, now when I read this next part, it jolted me a little but after I really thought about it I let it's truthfulness sink into my heart. "The God who is - the I am who I am - cannot act apart from love!" Beautiful. Sometimes, for me, I've been hohum and poor me because I thought or felt that Heavenly Father forgot me. That I was given experiences because He was punishing me for something I did or didn't do. Of course, I'm older now and I'd like to think wiser, so I know this to be absolutely false...that is that He's punishing me. He loves me...and he cannot act apart from that. It makes me feel really good and lighter to think about how very special I am to Him and how very fond of me He is...and it's just my nature to not even understand why.

Ok, back to the real world...now I'll delve more into what else I've learned or remembered from reading this book. It really is a good book. If anyone wants to borrow it, I'll be happy to lend it out.

Heavy - The Shack

A while back, I mentioned that I got the book, The Shack - by William P. Young. I sat down and started to read it, but was overcome with emotion and was quite unable to finish it at the time. I must admit, this was a hard read simply because of the protrayl of God, Jesus and The Holy Ghost. I so know that they are not as they are protrayed, physically I mean, and trying to even think of them in that way bothered me enough to not see the finer points...at first.

Without giving the book away entirely, I'll share with you basically the jist of what's on the back cover, essentially something that you could learn or read on the website or if you just picked up the book and looked it over. It's about a man, Mack, who is struggling because his youngest daughter, Missy, was abducted during a family vacation and the evidence suggests that she was brutally murdered. Evidence turns up in this old abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. He becomes very sad, understandably, and it's even fair to say angry at God. Four years later, he receives an odd note in the mailbox, apparently from God, asking Mack to go to the shack for a weekend. He's a little irritated and thinks someone is playing a joke on him, but decides to go regardless. When he gets there, what happens to him over the course of the weekend changes his perspective on life and love and just changes him.

Like I said, I found this a very hard read. It is very simply written, but the concepts very real and there is a lot of truth in it. It was hard for me to read because here's this man, who is suffering because of the loss of his child. Here I am, not suffering anymore, but coping with a similar nightmare with one of my children, only my sweet child is alive and very well. He's dealing with the fact that someone harmed his little girl and I'm dealing with the fact that someone may have harmed mine. The evidence in his case later becomes very clear and obvious. The evidence in our case, while it has been collected, is not fully understood and it will be a long while before I'll have any answers. I have enough of an answer to be able to hold her and love her and pray for her and just to be her mom...which I enjoy beyond words.

So, I'll post a few parts of this book that helped me and wish to share with you all - if only as a reminder of these things that you probably already know. I mean, I know these things and have known them, but they touched my heart so powerfully and at the right time in my life so that I could feel God's love for me when I needed to feel it the most. At one time in Mack's conversation with God (who is protrayed, I might add, as a large Black woman they call Papa...no joke) Mack almost yells at Papa (God) saying that God abandoned him. Papa replied that he never left him. When Mack retorts that that doesn't make any sense, Papa replied, "...Will you at least consider this: When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose site of me?"

Whoa...I have to admit that there have been times in my life where, fortunately, for brief periods of time that's all I could see...pain. Whether mine or someone I love. I was drowning in it and lost sight of God. When I allowed myself to let go of this pain, with the help of God, I felt as if my burden was lifted and my prospects greater.

Oh this just gets better and better...I might have to stretch this into a few posts (I am tired). Papa goes on to tell Mack that he's not what Mack thinks he is, and of course Mack is confused. A bird lands on the windowsill and began strutting around. Papa then offers this: "Consider our little friend here...Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around." "You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around." "Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you." "...pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place." (I just realized that I posted another flying analogy a while back...different, but still...huh.)

Man, how real is that? That's pretty well put. I don't know if I can really add anymore to it except that during times in my life I've certainly lacked the capacity to feel God's love for me, and this restriction and weakness on my part was, of course, by my own doing. No matter the circumstance, or reasons I felt justified in feeling that way.

Ok, too deep? Well, I'll have to delve more into it tomorrow. I just realized that I have a dentist appointment first thing in the morning and so I'd better get some sleep.

Killin' time

I'm waiting for my dictation to finish recording (I use an ancient method for doing this that's more cost effective...apparently) and just killin' time.

So....I stink. Really stink and the sad part is that I won't not stink for at least a few days. Trust me, at first when you get a wiff of me you might actually like it and think to yourself, "Hum...I'm feeling like BBQ and potato salad." This is not surprising, but I assure you that my stink won't rub off on you...it may, however, cause you to follow me around for a while trying to figure out my scent. You won't guess it. Ever.

The secret to my smelliness? Hickory Liquid Smoke. LOL For enrichment tomorrow night I'm making Kaluah Pig. It's completely awesome and wonderful, but part of the process to make it is absolutely awful! You have to rub the pig butt (keep those naughty thoughts to yourself) or pig shoulder with liquid smoke and then give a nice hard rub with Hawaiian Sea Salts. Put it in the crock pot for 20 hours and then shred with a fork. What's the big deal?

Well, I'll tell you...because like I said I'm killin' time. Once you get the liquid smoke on your hands, I swear to you it does not come off no matter how much soap/bleach you use to get it off. So, it just hangs around and ferments on your fingers for days. It seeps into your skin and becomes a part of you, until it's not. I know...why not use gloves for Pete's sake?

Let me tell you. Coming from someone who is so completely allergic to just about everything, I'm sensitive to those around me who have the same sort of aliment. A LOT of people are allergic to Latex, and I only had Latex gloves. I'm not willing to use the gloves knowing that I could risk anaphylactic shock symptoms in someone or someones.

So, I stink. A lot. Ew. Jon's already cracking jokes. Ya...I know.

Playing the lotto

Hold the phone, guys. It's not what you think. Jon got a confirmation letter in the mail this Saturday that his application for nursing was accepted and he has been entered into the "lotto". I wish it meant that he was just going to be accepted flat out, but it doesn't. It just means that his name will be entered once, along with countless others, into the pool for nursing. So, after many, many, many years let's hope that he gets accepted!

Getting accepted would mean a big change for our family. Huge. The unknown of when he'll finally get in is sometimes daunting, but actually knowing that he'll be accepted is something entirely other. It makes me nervous and excited to know that we won't have to wait long to know for sure...just a couple of weeks. Until then though, I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Nothing really new to report. I'm still sick, but what's new...really? I don't think I'll ever come to appreciate a raw nose and stuffy head and cold chills, but I might just get used to it.

I still have to post pictures of Sam in her little princess outfits. So cute. Just only slightly cuter than Jon wearing clip on earrings and rings on every finger just to his first knuckle...oh and the princess headbands. So classy...and truly handsomely beautiful.

Happy Birthday Samantha!

Today is Sam's 3rd Birthday! (Current birthday pics will be posted tomorrow after her family birthday party.) My, my time has gone by. She gets more and more beautiful everyday. Her sweet spirit reminds me everyday what it means to love. Her simple words of encouragement to her brothers or to myself make my heart swell unmeasurably. She is very acutely aware of others, even at her young age, and knows just when a hug is most needed.

She is a determined adventurist. There is no hill too high, valley to wide, cap too hard to open on any container she shouldn't be getting into...it doesn't slow her down.

She's funny. Probably gets her sense of humor from her dad. She's really into thinking that farting is funny, but always says, "excuse me" - after forcing one out.

She's mommy's helper. She takes pleasure in getting things done around the house with me...and then promptly asks for her treat.

She's picked up on one of my sayings and it's so darn sweet and heart breaking when she says it. "In a little bit." It's sweet because of the way she says it, and she's always confident that she'll get what she wants soon and willing to wait for whatever "it" is. Heart breaking because I don't have that much time left with her while she's this little and so trusting and loving. Heart breaking because every little bit I'm doing other things she's growing up, right before my eyes.

So, for you, Sam, when you are older and can fully appreciate this...I love you. You will always be my sweet little girl and I'll always remember you now and in a little bit.

Tough times.

I posted at the end of December and early January about something that was very difficult for me. While I didn't go into any specific details or particulars about what my family and I were going through, I received support from many friends who love me and my family. I feel grateful to have such friends.

I still cannot manage to post what happened. I can't even write it for my own personal record for that matter. I have been unable to talk about it without shaking or feeling anxious and expect that to never change. I might have a better understanding - that's not the right word - more knowledge that I didn't have before, and that has lessened, somewhat, my fears and uneasiness. And just when I think that I've let it go, just when I think that I've gotten it together and have moved on, something happens to throw me right back, not quite to the beginning but close to it.

I just have a broken heart. It's like there are little pieces of a 3D puzzle missing. Today I got another little piece, a type of piece that enhances one side of the puzzle - that makes it so that I can more clearly see the picture as a whole...or at least see the picture better still with missing pieces. I can see the puzzle's potiential now and make better guesses about what is missing, without knowing for sure.

But, now having this knowledge makes it worse. It was better to just speculate rather than think that this could possibly go deeper than I originally imagined or dared to think about.

And, I'm grateful that we're alright. That our side of this puzzle is very clearly in tact, with no variation of truth to be considered because it was only ever based on fact, and I consider fact in this case, truth. So I should be grateful, right? I should be relieved, and I am relieved...more so than I can even tell you. That part makes me want to sing.

But...the rest of this puzzle is broken and the last side is completely unfinished. This is what makes me heart broken. This is what makes me, not lose hope, but feel hopeless...powerless. It's crazy and I can't stop feeling just awful for them. I hate not being able to tell someone who's so incredibly wounded that they will be alright. I want to tell them that God loves them, but when they outright say that they feel like a failure and you can see they believe that of themselves...it's excruitating. Unbearable.

And what's worse is knowing that they are good, but just like me and my family, they were dealt something impossible and have to live through it.

But the worst part for me today was looking into this person's eyes and seeing that they are pained beyond any words. That they are so grief stricken that they've become hollow and dispondent almost beyond recognition. Even when I felt inspired to tell them that this is not their fault and that I do think they are good and hope that they can see that eventually and that I don't think they've failed me as they feel they have, I can see that it did no good. It kills me, it just kills me.

So, I've prayed more today - not that I don't pray always anyway...I like to think that I've got an open line going all the time with the Lord, because I do. But my prayers for others have been more heartfelt and sincere.

I see how very blessed I am to know God. I know I am blessed. I just wish that I could make others know that He loves them, too. I wish that I could see them how He sees them for just a brief second so that maybe I could know exactly the words to say to bring comfort to them so they'll really hear it and feel it.

It just really stinks.

Ping pong at its finest...

http://www.noob.us/humor/excessive-ping-pong-celebration/

Ok, so when you click on this link, check the heading....and then watch the video. Pay attention to the score at the end.

Dog Funny...so funny.

Ok, here's something that is so entirely funny...there are few words even to describe it. Enjoy.

http://www.noob.us/humor/sleep-walking-dog-runs-into-a-wall/

Funny.

Ok, so this is terrible. I'm completely aware of it. I'm posting it because I actually thought it was legit...and actually had to watch almost until the very end before I realized that it was a hoax. LOL Anyway, it was so funny and you all probably would have figured that out far before I did. I'm so gullable.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/fda_approves_depressant_drug_for

Blah..

I wish so very much that we could be well. Anyway...not posted in a few days because I've been in a funk. Very weird. I have a lot to say (surprised?) but just don't know where to begin...which is sort of a first for me. I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Anyway, I hope you are all well.

ABC tag

The rules are :
1. To each letter of the alphabet, write a word connected to you
2. Tag 6 people to do this next.

A - Alive.
B - Believing.
C - Cute. (I say cute because people always say, "Oh, you're so cute" I think Goofy better suited though.)
D - Determined, definitely.
E - Ernestine (my middle name)
F - Family...the most important thing
G - Girlie
H - Hyper
I - Ice cold. I'm freezing all the time!
J - Jon (you can't have one of us without the other)
K - Kind.
L - LOL...I'm always cracking up.
M - Music (once again, you can't have one without the other)
N - Nerdy. Yes, I said it. I'm really quite nerdy...but that's the new cool, in case you were wondering.
O - Outstanding handwriting...unless I'm writing in a chart, then I'm just as bad as the doctors. LOL
P - Professional Appeal writer
Q - Quint (my brother-in-law)...can't think of anything else for Q
R - Reader of all things that are good.
S - Superbad..um, ya.
T - Twilight...I just love those books!
U - Unwavering in my faith.
V - Va va voom lipstick...hehe
W - Weirdo (self professed...um, ya)
X - Xcited, a lot of the time.
Y - You! You are all a part of me somehow, thanks for that.
Z - Zippie.

Ok, so now I tag, Julie, Wendy, Heather, Vickie, Stacey, Teri

Have fun guys! :)

Clothing exchange

The Relief Society in my old ward just did this and it makes a load of sense to me. Not to mention that I've heard a lot of my friends lately say something along the lines of "I need a new ward robe or I need to get a new outfit". So, I was thinking, what if we did a clothing exchange? We could take clothes we didn't want anymore (taking into account stains and holes...and not bringing those items, of course) or things that we can't fit into anymore (unfortunately I have a few items like that...ok, A LOT of items like that) and put them in a pile. Then anyone can rummage through the stuff and pick what they want to take home. If we get a large enough group of gals who are willing to sort through their crap (treasure) then maybe we can actually do some good here. There's bound to be something for everyone and what no one wants we'll just take to the DI, or Goodwill.

What do you think? Is this a good idea? Am I crazy for even thinking it?

Grocery deals ending today. Sorry! :(

Here's what I got tonight:

10 bags of Betty Crocker cookie mix
1 gallon milk (filler)
1 loaf bread (filler)
10 tubs Betty Crocker frosting
3 lbs bananas
1 1/2 pouds apples
1 package Peeps (bluck)
10 boxes Chex mix cereal bars
10 Pillbury Cresant rolls (refrigerated)
1 12 count eggs

I should have spent $130.35. With my coupons and store coupons I paid $3.59. That's less than 1 gallon of milk people! Not my best ever haul, but not bad either.

I promise to go through the ad early this week so I can say what deals I'm getting for you all. I've been so swamped that I've not gotten around to getting this done lately. Sorry. From a glance, I can see that Albertson's has some really good deals going on now...so check that out and see what you can find.

My romantic husband

Last night while waiting for all the kids to take baths and brush their teeth, I decided to sit down and read some Mansfield Park. Then I decided that I would listen to music at the same time (ya, I'm talented like that), but decided that All American Rejects probably wouldn't set the mood for Mansfield and Edmund...so I started browsing through my iPod for the right mood. I was going to go for something like "Clair de lune", but then came across something entirely new to me. Jon must have put a new song on for me, I thought, so I opened up the single to give it a quick listen to see if it was something that would be suitable for reading.

It certainly was.

However, that wasn't what grabbed my attention. The song is "I'd Rather Be With You" by Joshua Radin from the album Simple Times. I gave it a listen and then another. It is very, very sweet.

Jon put this sweet tune on my iPod just for me and it gave me chills. If you haven't already heard this song, look it up (someday I'll get fancy enough to actually add the video into my post, but I've still no clue how to do this). So I sauntered into the bedroom where Jon was watching an episode of some show where they were crashing school busses (I know). Here's our conversation:

me: Jon, that was so sweet of you to put this great song on my iPod. I love it! Thank you! (then I even lean over and kiss him and rub his shoulder)

him: Um, I did? What song is it?

me: Are you serious? Did I just give you an opportunity to be completely romantic and reply something along the lines of, "Of couse, I love you. I meant the song to be especially for you." But, no. (I should note that while I'm on this little rant he can't keep a grin from spreading across his face.)

pause

me: Let me give you another opportunity, honey. We'll start over.

pause

me: Oh honey, thank you so much for putting this sweet song on my iPod! I love it. I can't believe you did this for only me and thought of me the whole time and that you were just showing how much you love me!

him: Ya, ya. I thought you might like it.


So there you have it. My husband is completely romantic...especially when prompted or told what to say. :)

How could I have missed this for so long?

Drum roll please....

SPAM! Wham! SPAM!

I've never tried SPAM before yesterday. I know, how can I be Mormon and not have tried SPAM?!!? I'll remind you that I am a convert to the church people. I know, how could I have grown up in the projects and not have tried SPAM?!?!? To that I have no answer.

Well, I can't say that I got the full effect because I tried the 50% less sodium, less fat kind, but that counts, right? I tried it because....you guessed it - I got it for free.

I must confess, having never prepared Spam before I was a little surprised by the vast amount of ways it can be prepared. More importantly, however, I decided the way I would try it first was to have it on bread with cheese and mayo.

I was informed after I had already prepared the sandwich that I should have fried it first...at least according to Jon. So here's how it went:

me: Hum...it's not as salty as I expected (probably because I got the less sodium kind, duh). It sort of has the consistency of mashed potatoes, or something mushy mushy...which again wasn't expected.

me (after another bite): This is surprisingly...enjoyable! LOL I don't understand what I was so afraid of!

Then...after eating 1/2 of the sandwich, I had to convince Jon to eat the other half. Why? Because that stuff is rich! I couldn't eat anymore (it might have had something to do with the fact that I had eaten - single handedly - half a bag of Lays potato chips, too).

So there you have it. If you haven't already tried SPAM, you should - it's surprisingly good! I could be the new spokesperson for SPAM.

An the Oscar goes to....

Who cares? Just kidding. I watched the Oscars only for the purpose of seeing the man to the left. I'm pathetic...I realize this. He looked stunning, of course. I'm not sure, but he may have even washed his hair for the big event (it's sad that that can't be either confirmed or denied). Regardless, he's beautiful.

But...did anyone see Hugh Jackman? Whoa. He's definitely a sight for sore eyes...man, what a hunk!

Oh, and Ben Stiller...amazingly funny! Check out youtube for his performance...just too awesome.

Also, I have to say that I want to see Slumdog Millionaire. I won't watch it because of the "R" rating, but maybe someday I'll get lucky and they'll edit it for TV.

That's my only review. Sheri did a much more thorough review and she's pretty awesome.

Besides getting caught up on Lost, I've read some today and stayed in bed. It's definitely not the office that's gotten me sick...it's the kids. They tend to do that sort of thing. I am starting to get a little worried about Sam's face now though. It's been wiped, cleaned, snotted on so much over the last few days that it's literally raw and bleeding in places. Poor little thing...she's a mess.

Well, enough for now. I hope you are all well and in good spirits.

A sore throat

(Note, the title of this post was previously "A sore throat and stinky carpet"...however, I've been informed that the meaning behind it could mean something entirely different...and MY innocent mind didn't even conjour up such a thing...so it's now changed so EVERYONE can feel better about it.)

I'm not sure whether or not I have a sore throat because the kids have been sick this week and now I'm getting it, or if it's because of being at the office all day yesterday.

Sometime between Friday evening and early Monday morning 1 week ago, a pipe burst at our office. How it burst is still unknown, but the damages are EXTREMELY horrible. The water continuiously ran until our suite was completely submerged in water, the entire length of the suite below us also completely submerged, and it was beginning to seep down to the 6th floor as well. So...even though we just went through an office remodel...we get to do it again! The carpets are completely ruined, of course, and the walls up to about waist high are torn out waiting to be replaced as well. All of our drug stock was completely ruined because of moisture. Fortunately, all the computers survived, but we lost a lot of stuff. It's really too bad.

Worse still, though...the 7th floor moved over here last year from another building because the floor above them over there flooded and thus flooded their floor. I bet they seriously consider a one room house next time. LOL Pretty awful.

Anyway, the office stinks. Really bad...although I was told that it aired out quite a bit over the few days before I came in. There were these HUGE fans and some sort of air quality devices running all day and it was really loud and crazy at the office yesterday - not just yesterday but all week actually.

Ok, kids are waking up and want food. I guess I better feed them.

Great Quotes

So, I was browsing around the Lex forum (I'm a complete Twilight nerd)...and found a thread about quotes...here's some great ones:

"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it." Somerset Maugham

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know." Mark Twain

"Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places." E. Joseph Cossman

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." Miss Piggy

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Unknown

"You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself. " Sam Levenson

Ode to Jon

Ode to Jon

Since it's Jon's 35th Birthday today and he's officially decrepit....I thought I'd give you 35 facts you may or may not have known about the man I love...I'm going to try to get really creative here.

Here goes:

1. He's brilliant. Really and truly brilliant.
2. He's been going to school now for 14 years, at least 1 class per term.
3. Can you tell he never gives up?^^^
4. He plays this game “Old McDonald” with the kids where he takes their hand and makes them rub his beard, which tickles, and then pulls their arm up and tickles their armpits with said beard. You'd just have to see it. So funny.
5. He often wears these flamer pajama pants...they literally have flames on them and I hate them.
6. He's totally awesome at Rock Band II. He could so totally play on Expert, but doesn't usually.
7. He once said another woman's name in bed while sleeping. Ya...it woke me right up! He said, “That woman!” I woke up and said, “excuse me?”, and he replied, “Jackie! That woman has no style.” Um...ok. (We watched earlier in the evening a documentary on Jackie Kennedy...I guess he wasn't impressed with her choice of evening wear that night or something.)
8. He never complains about having to hold my stuff while shopping.
9. He is an avid cartoon watcher/critic.
10. He draws really well.
11. He hates pot roast, which is really too bad because that's one of my favorites.
12. When we were dating he said he wanted to have 8 children! Now he's not sure he wants one...and we have three!
13. He loves to play video games.
14. He's thrifty.
15. He makes some really mean crepes. I mean they blow your mind and curl your toes. So good.
16. He loves all animals. Really loves them...and tries to bring them home with him.
17. He likes peppermint ice cream. Ew
18. He's a huge pack rat! Like big time.
19. He's very loyal.
20. A lot of people call him Richard, in fact, quite a few of his patients think that's his real name. (Long story.)
21. He's a twitcher. He'll be sitting perfectly still and then all of a sudden,#(Q@*&(*#!
22. He's learning to play the guitar.
23. He let me paint his finger nails – once.
24. He loves God. He has one of the kindest, sweetest spirits I know.
25. He can't hold still when he really gets to laughing. I don't know if I can describe it...maybe a cross between someone having a seizure or being tazered.
26. He's super funny.
27. He LOVES that Mountain Dew they have at Taco Bell, but since we don't drink caffeine anymore, we can't even go to Taco Bell because of the reminder/temptation.
28. He still holds a grudge against me for biting him in the back...when I was 2!
29. He's only barfed once since we've been married. I told him not to eat that cheese burger if it tasted bad...he didn't listen.
30. He's a good singer...sometimes.
31. He's really good at board games, but hardly ever plays them. :(
32. He's never “cut the cord” on any of our children. He never felt the need.
33. He's an EXTREME germ-a-phobe. Seriously. Won't even take a drink after me. Weird.
34. He hardly sleeps. He goes to bed sometimes as late as 1am and then gets up every day at 5:30am...crazy.
35. He's my favorite person in the whole world.

Suspicious behavior

I got a phone call today from the school nurse. It seems I can't go more than 2 weeks at a time before getting one of those dreaded calls. Apparently, Austin's stomach hurt and the nurse took his temperature and he had a fever, albeit slight. I talked with him briefly and he told me how he was so sad that his friend wasn't going to be able to come home after school with him today as planned because he was just too sick. I figure, if the kid knows this, he must really be not well.

I picked him up.

He complains a little in the car, and when we get home rushes into the house and IMMEDIATELY goes into his newly cleaned room and shuts his door. I'm thinking, whoa...going to lay down and actually get some rest without being told...that's a new one. It was only a fleeting thought because before I even make it down the hall I hear banging coming from his room. That banging can only be associated with wall ball. Humph.

I wonder, how can someone go from being so bummed and sick one minute to running all over and playing the next? I've seen it before, but this was record time.

I advise the little twit that he should not be playing around, but laying down and resting. He gripes but does lay down on the couch to watch some cartoons.

Once his brother got home from preschool, all bets were off and he's back to playing and jumping around and behaving like his normal crazy self. At least he got an hour of rest before Alex got home and then I made them both quite down and relax to watch a movie with me while Sam was napping. By watching the movie I mean that they watched the movie and I fell asleep. LOL

Kids, mine specifically, drive me nuts some days.

Boy's room

I spent hours today, after the boys "cleaned" their room, cleaning the boy's room. I tell you what, I was brutal. I felt like I had no choice. I threw out, picked up, aired out, sucked up so many toys and crap. It's now clean. They are down to two buckets of toys instead of five. I didn't even let them choose...oh, don't get bent out of shape...I didn't throw away anything of consequence.

When Jon got home, we even moved their dresser so they could have a wall free for wall ball. Austin especially would have gotten rid of anything so he could have a wall free for that! I'll probably regret that one soon.

We'll see how long it stays clean. We went over some new rules and they seem to understand them. Rules like, by the end of the day your room has to be clean and picked up...after you're finished reading your books, put them back on the bookshelf. Rules like that. Rules that will prevent their mother from having a hissy fit...as often that is.

Oh, and I also didn't allow a bin for Sam. Although she plays in their room with them all the time, I decided that it wasn't fair for them to house her things as well. So, we moved all of her little things to her room. That one is on my hit list now for tomorrow.

It's never ending.

"Likes To" game

Likes To game.

Thanks Sheri for this idea, it is fun! Here's what you do:

Go to Google and type in your name with "likes to" in quotations after it (ex: "Rebecca likes to")
Write down the first 10 things that pop up.

Here's mine:

1. Rebecca likes to think about things. (sure do)

2. Rebecca likes to make detailed pencil drawings of the animals she enjoys so much. (um...no)

3. Rebecca likes to say "Every product has a story". (I guess every product does, but I don't say that.)

4. Rebecca likes to read. (spot on)

5. Rebecca likes to spend time with her family while tanning on the beach. (This first part I can absolutely agree to, but the last...not so much.)

6. Rebecca like to spend what little spare time she has reading, traveling and taking cooking classes. (I don't travel very often, and while I enjoy cooking classes I haven't taken too many of those either.)

7. Rebecca likes to party on Thursdays. (You all know me and Thursdays...I'm a crazy woman!)

8. Rebecca likes to think of her stash as a processing backlog. (I have a stash?)

9. Rebecca likes to keep up with the times by maintaining a great web site to interact with her fans, but she's not pleased by everything she sees in cyberspace. (This is so totally true!)

10. Rebecca likes to read, garden and travel. (again with the reading thing, but I do like to garden actually)

Valentine Tag

Thought this would sort of fun...thanks for the idea Vaxhacker. :)

♥ How long have you been together? 14 years as a couple, going on 12 years of marriage

♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating? Um, he's known me, or at least of me, since birth. But we started writing each other while he was on his mission and started dating after I turned 16 and he got home from his mission.

♥ Who asked who out? I asked him out.

♥ How old are each of you? He'll be 35 in a few days and I'm 30.

♥ Whose siblings do/did you see the most? His. I only have one brother left, and well since he's quite interesting, and by interesting I mean scary, we don't see him much. Or at all.

♥ Do you have any children together? yep. Three, so far.

♥ What about pets? I'll take a deep breath for this one...our first pet together was a cat, followed by (in no particular order) another cat, a dog, another dog, a bearded dragon lizard, two sugar gliders, an umbrella cockatoo, two chinchillas, another dog, another dog, another dog and another dog. I don't think I'm missing anything here, but I could be wrong. At one time our food bill for the animals alone was over $500.00/month. We currently only have three dogs...thankfully.

♥ Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? Wow, this is a hard one. I think when we both played online video games...we were SO competitive with each other and I got to be better than him...which strained things significantly (only at Quake II, he can kick my butt at anything else). I read now, so things are good. :) LOL

♥ Are you from the same home town? Nope

♥ Who is the smartest? Depends on what you're talking about, but I would say generally he is. I'll never live that down.

♥ Who is the most sensitive? That's a tough one. I show it more, so I guess me.

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple? Stanford's or Macaroni Grill

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Tennessee

♥ Who has the craziest exes? Me.

♥ Who has the worst temper? probably me.

♥ Who does the cooking? me. If I twist his arm he will once a month or so.

♥ Who is more social? me, of course.

♥ Who is the neat freak? Probably me.

♥ Who is the more stubborn? Jon, hands down.

♥ Who hogs the bed? me (He keeps me off his side by pumping up his side of the bed - we have one of those sleep number beds.)

♥ Who wakes up earlier? Jon (unless it's a day where we both have off together, then me)

♥ Where was your first date? The zoo.

♥ Who has the bigger family? Him.

♥ Do you get flowers often? No, but I don't want them. I prefer to have them living to enjoy them.

♥ Who is more jealous? me.

♥ How long did it take to get serious? After Jon was in the mission field for about 9 months, we both felt a connection. He told his companions he was going to marry me. So, when we finally got to date, it was serious right away.

♥ Who eats more? depends on the day. Unfortunately, since I'm home and have more opportunity to eat more, that means I probably do. Ugh.

♥ Who does/did the laundry? We share that, except I do almost all the folding...he's really good at putting them into piles though.

♥ Who's better with the computer? Jon. He's a genius with anything computer.

♥ Who drives when you are together? Mostly him. Men should always drive...he's better at it than me anyway.

Happy Valentine's Day

Hey all, Happy Valentine's Day. Especially to Jon. What a good and loving husband I have. He's the reason for a lot of things, but mostly the reason my heart still hammers in my chest and throat whenever he kisses me. We've gone through, how many...14 years of Valentine's Days...that's really something. I plan to share a lifetime of them with him.

I love you, Jon. :)

Under the Watsons' Porch

I just finished reading Under the Watsons' Porch by Susan Shreve. It as a fast read, faster than most fast reads. Very simply written and easy to follow.

It's about a 12 year old girl who befriends a neighbor boy who just moved in. This boy has a reputation of being a trouble maker, and has moved from home to home over the years. They decide together that they will form a club and invite all the children in the neighborhood 10 years old and younger to join their club. When everyone is gathered together, Tommy (the new kid), explains that the soil under the Watsons' porch is magical. He further explains that when they plant their own special seeds, in 1 week said seeds will produce lollipops. The children return in 1 week and lollipops have indeed appeared.

This book talks a little bit about the pain Tommy has experienced in being shuffled from home to home and about choices he's made resulting from feelings of abandonment. It is about the coming of age of a preteen, Ellie, and how right and wrong, black and white, help guide her, and she comes to realize that there are some gray areas in life, too.

Good read. I recommend it, especially for younger readers.