I've not posted much as of late because, well I've not had anything of worth to say. I can't explain the emotions I've gone through in the last several months and feel it a waste of time to even try. I would stop here if weren't for the fact that I need to try to sort through some things.
I just am. I just am.
Where to even start? I know that the "impossible situation" thing is where it started for me. I felt I was working through things and coming to grips with how things were working or weren't and that I was ok with it. I really thought I was able to rise above and see things for what they were. I'm such a fool.
Friday, the one day I work out of the home, I had an incident which makes me feel particularly low, down trodden and brought up emotions I thought I'd dealt with. But, I'm weak, and even as my knees buckled and my throat tightened up and I panicked...I just was. I had all of these feelings that came to the surface, but even as all the color left my face I felt nothing. I just was.
I mean, come on! I only work one day a week...what are the chances that I'd have to face the one person who has this overwhelming power over me to make me cringe and shake and flustered? The one person who I haven't seen in months? There he was, staring me in the face, just as startled as me I imagine. And this is one of the few places where I feel completely safe and at ease, and he just took that away from me. He broke a barrier, unknowingly, and was there staring at me. And I've done nothing wrong and I felt uncomfortable. And, it wasn't fair that I was the one who had to leave. I work there. I have a right to be there. But I couldn't be there. And while I know that my doctors know what is going on and my office manager, too, it didn't make it any easier that they understood. I just hate that my will is broken.
I have no will.
I just am.
So, I move along. I'm functioning, but I'm so lost. Like I said, I can't explain it. The only thing I feel I can relate it to is that I have no light left, and that's not even true. My light is just very dim. It seems like every solution I've come up with falls short of what I need. And while I know that Heavenly Father wants me to work this out with Him, I feel like every solution I come up with on my own isn't good enough to take to Him because it's wrong. I really try to be open and listen and wait for His hand to guide me, but I'm impatient and selfish because I just want it to be done. I'm just done.
I'm still doing things that I should, still following the routine, still praying and studying the scriptures. I just don't know what I'm searching for. I don't know what will make this right. I've never been so conflicted.
It's not like I'm feeling like "oh, poor me", because I'm not. Not really. I've come to realize that I was just born, in part, to have this capacity to just endure all things. Well, I don't know how true that is, but it's how I feel. I can endure this, and maybe even appreciate it someday.
I just want to be able to understand it and endure it better now. I don't think that's too much to ask, or maybe I'm just asking the wrong things. Of course, it's impossible for me to know which one it is now.
It was my turn to do scripture and prayer tonight. And, because I'm lazy, or just extremely smart, I just flipped open the scriptures to read from where ever the pages fell open. Wouldn't you know where that was? John 14 and 15...no particular verses needed. That should say it all. What a place to turn to when I'm feeling like this. Whatever it is that I'm feeling, the feeling that has no name. What a place to turn! I can't say which verses are my favorite because basically all of John is one of my favorites.
Chapter 14 verse 18-19: "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also."
Chapter 14 verse 27: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
Chapter 15 verse 12-27 (clipped): "This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.""Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you...""These things I command you, that ye love one another.""And ye also shall bear witness, because ye have been with me from the beginning."
So, I know that by doing my part peace will come. I just wish I felt it completely right now instead of just bits of it. I want to be overwhelmed with peace.