Saturday, January 31, 2009
25 interesting (or at least things) about me that perhaps you didn't already know:
1. In 8th grade I ran for class president. I thought myself to be the change my class needed, but obviously the majority didn't think so because I didn't win. While most of competition allured the student body to vote for them with banners that read something like, "More soda machines throughout the school!", mine ALL read, "I don't make any promises, I only give results."...now, I thought I was rather clever...but apparently everyone else thought that more soda was the key. (Of note is that we never did get more soda machines.)
2. Also, in 8th grade I made my first pair of pants. They were dark green paisley MC Hammer pants. LOL I wore them once and out of sheer embarrassment never wore them again. It was truly tragic.
3. I dated a little person. He was very nice and sweet, but it obviously didn't work out.
4. I love Robert Pattinson, or maybe just love to look at him... I have no explaination for it. I mean, I find the fact that he only washes his hair every 6 weeks and drinks and smokes repulsive, but once again...I've no reason for his appeal.
5. I promised my brother-in-law that I would never, in a million years, ever wear bell bottoms, and if I did I would pay him $100.00. I am proud to say I never have....there's just something wrong with a little kid being able to hide themselves in a pant leg...
6. I play no musical instruments. I always wanted to learn to play the piano, and I've not given up on that dream yet, but as of now I can't play.
7. I had a hamster, Teddy, when I was around 7 years old. I used to let him run around my room free. One day I stepped on him and broke his neck, thus ending his little life. I was so scared I would get into trouble that I put him back in his cage and told my mom he jumped off his wheel and broke his neck. Later, missing my friend and feeling intensely guilty, I confessed. I felt better, but still sad.
8. I have had only one surgery, three times.
9. I broke my pinkie finger while trying to catch a football. After I realized it was broken I attempted to put it back into place myself, but I only broke it worse. The guy who threw the football felt so wretched he followed me around saying sorry at least a million times. Poor kid.
10. Jon took me to my senior prom. I've no doubt he was the oldest date there. He looked rather dashing in a tux...I'll have to see if I can find a picture so you can see his hottness. :)
11. As a teenager, I was pretty tame. I got good grades, didn't make terrible choices....but one choice I really do regret. Maybe it's because I'm a mom now and am older and can see the error of my ways. I used to drive around North Bend with my friends, without my permit or license.
12. I used to work at Intel. It was a great job, but they had a huge hiring freeze and I got the boot.
13. My stage name if I were a stripper would be Marowie Pine. (I never planned on being a stripper, I don't even like showing my arms above the elbow, but apparently to find out what your stage name would be you take the name of your first pet and then the first street you lived on and add them together.)
14. My favorite place to go outdoors is Gold and Silver Falls, just outside of Coos Bay. There's nothing like hiking up either one of the falls on a spring or summer day. So beautiful.
15. I'm almost always cold, even in the summer. So, a lot of the time if I'm not wearing a jacket, I have on a tank top to help keep me warm.
16. I broke a boy's nose, and another boy's arm. I was mean to the boys...both times were not intentional, however. The first I shoved the guy's face into the drinking fountain when he was getting a drink...he always did that to me! The second boy kept trying to hold my hand while roller skating and I just wouldn't have that so I sort of flung him off me.
17. It is not beneath me to pick up money on the ground, no matter how little. A penny saved is a penny earned.
18. I'm allergic to nylon. Seriously. It's awful because you don't realize how many things have at least a little bit of nylon in them. When I was younger I thought it was worth it to wear pantyhose if I went to a party or something, but then shortly after arriving had to take them off and spend the rest of the time doped up on Benadryl and with legs swollen twice their normal size and HUGE hives. Now I realize it's over rated. Actually, a lot of women have told me that they wished that they had an allergy to them. :)
19. I love to paint. Not anything creative or artsy, just the wall....and usually only one color at a time.
20. I love to read. A lot.
21. I was big in theater when I was in high school. My favorite character played was a multi-personality gal who at several points in the play thought that she was Lassie. My impersonation had the place in stitches...probably from all the butt sniffing I did. Really.
22. I've had a lot of different animals over the course of my life...too many different kinds to even name..I'd probably miss one or two if I tried. My favorite are dogs though.
23. For the last day, I've had to endure something awful....and I realize that it's my fault entirely. I introduced Jon to Old Greg...my life will never be the same. If you haven't already heard of Old Greg...please don't look him up on the net...you'll regret it. Jon has found an "Old Greg Soundboard"...I have heard it played over and over again. He thinks it is the funniest thing. Seriously though, don't look it up...it's disturbing.
24. I love to cook. I like following receipes and making my own. I don't do it as often as I should though.
25. I don't own any dresses...well none that I can currently fit into anyway! I ususally always wear a skirt and top if I have to dress up. Huh.
So that's it. I actually think this list is entirely different from the first I came up with. Some things are repeated...which means that there are more than 25 things about me that I thought were interesting. Weird. I would have never thought. So, now I'm supposed to pick 25 people to do this same thing. Not quite sure I know that many people, here's what I'll do. If you read this and feel so inclined to try it yourself, then do. It's sort of fun actually.
But, more importantly, I finished reading The Girl Who Could Fly by Victoria Forester. A very amazing read. It's about a young girl who figures out she can fly...her adventures in coming to this conclusion and her desire to fight for it. I was so very impressed by the wit and charm of the characters in this book and am a little sad that it was such a quick read. I would have preferred to prolong its wonderfulness. :) I do have to share with you something that I found to have such a huge impact on my heart while reading it...
Piper (the girl who could fly) was about to make her case to her friends and so she dug deep and offered this:
"My ma told me that there isn't anything in this life worth having that comes easy. She told me that every road I walk down's gonna have a price. But what she didn't tell me and what I learned since I've been here is that if you don't choose the road you're gonna walk, sooner or later someone else'll do that choosing for you. Now maybe Myrtle's right and there's nothing wrong with being normal like everyone else. But the truth is that we aren't like everyone else. We're like the way the good Lord made us and wouldn't that be a terrible thing to turn our backs on? I can't promise you that everything on this road is gonna be okay 'cause sure enough every road I've ever been on has got a bend or two and a few hills and valleys besides. I do know this, though - I know that I was meant to fly and I'm not gonna walk out of here, I'm gonna fly out. And I know what road I belong on 'cause I feel it here." Piper pointed to her heart. "So you gotta choose your road right now. And you'll know which one it is 'cause you'll feel it here too."
WHOA, right? Not to mention that Piper is only 9-years-old. I know, I know, Piper isn't real and the author is quite a bit older than nine. Still makes you think about when you figured this out, if you've ever figured it out, or if you're even willing to consider that it's actually true.
I just love good books. I love to read, but when you come across a really good find...it's hard not to want to share it. So, if anyone wants to borrow it, let me know...I'll be happy to share. I got mine at Powell's but wouldn't you know it was the last copy available. I suspect the reason why this book is hard to get a hold of right now is because Stephanie Meyer just put it on her site...that's huge.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Deal 2: for the DiGiorno pizzas, use the FM coupon that says you can buy up to 4 for $3.99 each...Well, Albe's has a deal right now that if you buy 4 for $20.00 you get an instant $5.00 off. So, when combined together you should spend $10.96 for 4 pizzas.
I got 6 bags of chips and 4 pizzas today for $15.96...without using any manu coupons (because there aren't any...I checked)...which is a screaming hot deal...especially considering that if you just bought the 4 boxes of pizza the sale price at Albe's would be $15.00 right now...and for .96cents more I got 6 bags of chips. Nice.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Get 4 boxes of the Raisin Bran cereal on sale 4 boxes for $7.00...then use the Thriftway coupon with that...the one that says buy 4 boxes of Raisin Bran and get $6.00 off. Without any manu coupons your total would be $1.00 for 4 boxes.
But...if you have the manu's from last week's Sunday paper, use those with it and your doubler and you'll have a $3.00 overage...
I got bananas with my overage and spent $.13 for 4 boxes of Raisin Bran and almost 5lbs bananas.
Sorry for the late post, I'll try to get the deals out sooner. I briefly looked over this next week's ad and there are some deals on the pizza and chips...the chips go BOGO and the pizza can be coupled with another store coupon....
Other than that, we're trucking along. A lot of eventful things happened in the last week, some of which I've already discussed here and others I will not discuss. All in all, however, we're good. Besides this cold stuff, my spirit is high and my heart full.
I really appreciate my visiting teachers. Caitlin was able to watch the boys for me yesterday while I had a situation that I thought would be impossible for me to face alone - since Jon was at work and unable to make it. I had the Lord with me and was able to communicate effectively and it turned out not as bad as I thought it would be...and this brings me nearer to closing this chapter of my life that I don't particularly ever wish to revisit. I'm grateful that I can trust Caitlin and appreciate her service.
But, once again, I'm stalling...a little. I've got to get my work out in, especially since yesterday I didn't. Here I go!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Much to my dismay and horror, I find this picture staring me in the face:
I know, I know...it is sort of funny.
Jon knows I have a fondness for Rob Pattinson...well more of an obsession actually, but who's keeping tabs? Maybe he thought that making this ubsurd picture and putting it on my desktop background would cure me of said obsession? I don't know what goes in his brain most of the time, and I probably know him better than anyone...but your guess is as good as mine right now.
Ugh. It's just so disturbing to look at. Ugh.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Yesterday, I had a little bit of a wake up call. You could call it a much needed helping hand, an act of God, whichever. I realize now, as I write this, that it isn't so surprising that it would happen at work instead of on the home front, if for the reason that I'm in a completely different environment and new things are bound to happen there. (Please don't get me wrong, new things happen at the Garver household hourly, minutely even...but they mostly involve my immediate family and even though time consuming are not terribly surprising. We all know Sam's fondness of laundry detergent and soap.)
I was helping out a patient, when the phone rang. There, at the time, were two other people who could answer the phone, but I instinctively and without thinking answered it first. The very nice lady on the other end of the phone asked to speak to Dr. Milne. We get calls like this a lot...where people think they can call in and actually speak to the doctor immediately. It's not uncommon, but this call was. I proceeded to do my job and explained that he was in surgery and unable to come to the phone but that I could help her and at least get her information so that he could call her back. She paused briefly and then proceeded to inform me that she was concerned about the need for having one of her teeth extracted and wondered if it was really all that necessary. Again, we get calls like this a lot, too. Knowing that I would have to put on my reassuring cap and getting prepared to do so, she launched into the rest of the reason for her call to speak to the doctor directly. She has just found out that she has terminal cancer. She only has 2 months to live. Her concern was whether or not having this tooth pulled or not would improve the quality of the life she has left.
I softly told her that I was sorry for her news and would give the information to Dr. Milne and he would call her back.
I wrote the simple note for Dr. Milne to find and respond to. And then it hit me. No matter how hard life can get...there is always someone who has it worse than you. I mean, I already knew this, we all know it. I just haven't thought about it for a while. But I thought about it now and I'm grateful that I made it to the ladies room before the water works started. Unfortunately, I realized quickly that it was going to last longer than a trip to the bathroom. I went back to the office and clocked out, proceeded to the break room and wept. I prayed that no one would require anything from the breakroom, because I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why I was so absurdly emotional.
It wasn't that I was sad for this dear woman, I was and am, but that's not the reason for the tears. It wasn't because my life has been thrown for a loop in the last month, or the reason for the loop throwing, none of it came into my mind. I was sobbing because I am grateful. Truly grateful. I couldn't stop offering thanks to my Father in Heaven for the many blessings that are abundant in my life and that I've neglected to recognize or appreciate. I could clearly see His hand at work, performing miracles for me, tender mercies for me and my heart was full. I felt a little guilty, of course, for not seeing this so clearly sooner.
I know I've been trying very hard to be positive and really working towards this...I just needed a little push to get me there completely, and it couldn't have come at a better time.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
However, this morning, after being told by a teenage boy that it looked like I had a mullet...well I'm sure you can guess....and here's the thing. I'm such a nice person that when, in the chair, I knew it wasn't turning out good, I very kindly told the lady I thought it looked different than I expected. She argued with me telling me that it was what I told her I wanted. HELLO!!?!? Are you KIDDING me?! Why would anyone want that? But, I just put it up in a ponytail and left...after all I had a lot of other things to get done.
Today, imagine my horror, when after blow drying my hair I find it completely uneven and it looks like she tried to give me a bob, but decided at the last minute that she didn't want to follow through with it completely. So, I called the salon and asked if I could come in and have it corrected, they asked why and I said because it looked horrible (which was awfully polite of me).
When I walked in, they IMMEDIATELY knew that I was the one who called. The sweet gal there who corrected my hair, I could tell, really wanted to do a good job for me to correct this mess. After several minutes of looking through some books to see what the possibilities were, she began the correction. She said that if all else failed that she would do a bob, which I honestly don't mind, I just would rather have hair on my neck because it's cold outside. So, she did the best she could and I think it turned out better. My left side, although better, still leaves something to be desired, but she said that since the previous hair cut was so badly done, there was little she could do with that. But, good thing is that if I put may hair behind my ear, you can't really tell.
I guess I really needed a good laugh today. Oh, and you know what? Of course I needed someone to watch my kids for me while I went to get this taken care of, so my friend Theresa very willing agreed. I didn't know at the time that the price to pay for that sweet service was going to be uncontrollable laughter at my expense. I didn't think she would ever stop laughing and the only comfort she could offer me was that hair grows back...nice.
Seriously, it's not that bad....now.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Jon will be coming home today at noon, which is why I was going to work, but now that I don't have to, I have a lot of possibilities to consider. So, instead of work things (which I still have some work things to get done at home that I'll do later), I can do some other things that I have been putting off because of time and just because. One of which is getting a hair cut. How very nice for me! :) It's one of those things that I put off because it doesn't seem all that important when I have little lives to cultivate instead or coupons to sort, etc.
Back to the hair...I'm thinking of layers. Now, now...when I think layers, I think very subtle, nothing to drastic...we'll see if the stylist has the same thoughts. If you see me next with short hair, you can assume something horrible went awry and I had no other choice than to chop it off. I wouldn't prefer to do this, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.
Then, I am going to go pick up my coupons for this week from Theresa. Perhaps later, while watching that addicting show American Idol, I'll sort and cut them to get myself caught up.
Right now though, I need to get my workout in. Blogging is the preamble right...gets my fingers all pumped up...or something like that. Today's plan is to do 40minutes on the Eliptical followed by ab work (I won't even post how very little ab work will be involved since my mid section is incredibly wimpy and it about kills me every time...and then for some days after that). Since I took the month of December off from working out (just when I need it the most) I have to get back into the groove of things again. But, I'm happy to report that since the beginning of the month I've lost a pretty hefty amount of weight, well for me anyway. I guess stress does that to a person, or to me at least.
No more stalling, onto my workout.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Literally, mostly any thought that I have I don't care if it is spoken aloud...which is why when I speak, most people think I have a shoe in my mouth. My mouth, brain, whatever you want to call it, gets me into trouble often...at least I think it does. Those who know me, thankfully, are very forgiving because they know this already. Does it excuse me, maybe...but more significantly I think it has made me lazy. Lazy because I don't put a lot of effort, most of the time, into carefully planning my speech. I just speak what's on my mind. I probably even use a lot of "um's, uh's, er's"...you get the point, it's even possible I use these more than most. Do I care? Sometimes. Especially when I can see that what I'm saying has turned someone else another color or worse...perhaps I'm the catalyst for causing high blood pressure.
So I write, a lot. I do this because it does actually force me to clarify my thoughts. Do I make better since when I write things down...perhaps. Sometimes the thoughts I write are just as confusing as if I were speaking them aloud, but at least I can get the jist of them better.
I should say now that if I write something offensive to you, it's not intentional. When I talk, I often remind the person to which I'm speaking of my disclaimer. It goes something like this: I don't mean to say something that offends, but if I should please know that it is not my intention and I'm just a little slow. Or something along those lines that is equally effective in getting my point across.
There. I feel better. Did any of that make sense? Perhaps I'm overthinking...again. But it's kind of what I do.
On a brighter note, we're feeling better around here. Sam's fever is coming down, although she's still pathetic and clingy. Austin's sore throat and awful cough seems to be less today than yesterday. Alex is, as ever, his rascally self....completely uneffected by the fact that his entire family has felt awful for the last few days.
I look forward to having this extra day to spend with all my kids. I so totally enjoy their company. I'm thinking we'll go outside and play and maybe even have a bite to eat at the park. They would really like that, and the fresh air is always appreciated - even when it's bitingly cold.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
And I guess, if I had to pinpoint exactly why I'm so down it's because of compassion. I have so much compassion and heart ache for the other party involved in this mess and it's very frustrating that I don't know how they're handling it. I want to reach out to them - to let them know that I geniunely don't harbor ill feelings anymore, but I'm bound by law not to...and being bound this way is maddening and unnerving. So, I can only see, can only feel, can only suspect.
I just want it to end. Who knew that this process was soooo long. And then, completely uninformed! If someone could just give me a time line already!
I've found a lot of peace through prayer and scripture study. I really do feel lifted up and I'm not so worried about myself or family ultimately finding that complete peace, because I know that through the Savior I will find it, we will feel it and know it. I'm just so worried that the other party will not find it, because they don't know how to find it or they think that because of the circumstance they never can find it. I want to share with them the steps I've taken to find it, I want to share the gospel with them to give them hope. From what I can see, almost everyday, they are in pain. It is very real and staring me in the face, everyday - I can't escape it. So everyday my heart is breaking, again and again, for them.
Even though it's not their choice that caused this...it's hard for any parent not to feel responsibility when their children make decisions/choices so heinous. Of course they feel awful. I just wish I could say something to ease their pain, to let them know this is not their fault, that I feel that this nightmare is not something they have to bear alone. That the Savior can help them, too.
I wish so much for them, so much...and I hate that I can't even tell them that, that everyday that I see them I can only do just that, see them, not talk to them. (Which is extremely hard to do when you talked almost everyday before!) I did wave the other day, and I hoped that in the small gesture they saw that I recognize their suffering, and when the wave was returned they recognized mine.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Then, after that, I vacuumed the entire upstairs and cleaned the kitchen. Then I did my work and worked out! I paid bills (anyone see a theme going here...perhaps working off a list...). All of that while listening to wonderful music, the soundtrack of August Rush...an absolutely awesome movie and soundtrack.
Ok, so maybe the cleaning didn't have anything to do with the fact that my house was dirty, which it - admittedly - kind of was, but more to do with the realization that the missionaries are coming over for dinner tonight and I thought it best to entertain them in a cleaner environment. Regardless, it does feel better around here. Now, if only I could will myself to clean my office...but I fear that is simply a loss cause.
Sunday school was very thought provoking. I'm sure I scared Heather, who happened to be unfortunate enough to sit next to me, by my quiet but forceful torrent of tears. She must have thought I was nuts. While the lesson wasn't anything unusual, in my current situation and state, it was very humbling. I was certainly edified and uplifted, although from the look on my face afterwords I'm sure I appeared grieved, or else I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten so many pats on the back and "Are you ok?"'s...and I'm sorry to say that each of those brought on another wave of tears to be reckoned with...only for the fact that it is nice to know that so many people are aware and care.
But, enough about that, I've got to figure out for once and for all what to make for dinner. I'm toying with homemade turkey burgers with all works, or spaghetti...but how to decide on two very wonderfully tasty things?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
8 Reusable grocery bags
1 10 pack box popcorn
8 Kllgg Fruit Snacks
2 Dots Elements candies
1 2lb Tillamook cheese
1 cubed Tillamook butter
12 pack Condoms
2 loaves bread
4 jars Skippy peanut butter
20 bottles of Ocean Spray cran-grape/cranberry juice
20 boxes Capri Suns
10 boxes Snack Munch variety packs (cookies, ritz crackers, etc.)
15lbs of Hamburger
3lbs chicken breast
8 pop tarts
HUGE package Bounty 12 rolls
48 rolls Charmin toilet paper
2 Dove 6 pack soap
10 slim fast 8 pack drinks
6 packages Pampers Easy up pull ups
I should have spent $504.10, but instead I spent $117.68. The diaper deal will be going on through Tuesday people...so get out there and get it at Albertsons...you get any packages of Pampers that are marked $10.00, buy 3 packages and spend $30.00, but you'll get 4 catalina coupons for $5.00 each ($20.00 back)...then roll it if you want to stock up on diapers. There are coupons out there for pampers as well, so if you got them use them...you'll still get your cats back.
All in all, it was a very fun night...took Theresa and I about 3 hours to complete, but we talked and had fun while we were at it...and still made it home before mid-night so as not to ruin our Sunday. :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
That Heathcliff character leaves something to be desired for sure. Yes, he is so maddeningly in love with Cathy...to the point of literal insanity, and that is somewhat heart warming...in the beginning. Towards the end, however, his love for her does not excuse his behavior. Only at the very end did I feel any compassion for his suffering at all...well that's not entirely true either...it's hard not to feel compassion for his situation in the love department. I just cannot believe how murderously vindictive he was after Cathy's death. He proves very unwilling to let time heal his wounds.
Cathy, I thought, was very odd as well. She married Edgar simply to better Heathcliff?!?! She said she loved him (Edgar), but I wonder if she really ever did. Not that I condone this type of behavior or would actually really ever even recommend it, but I wonder why she and Heathcliff never just ran off together! It would have been so much better a story for them. Or even if, in the beginning, Heathcliff would have stayed around to hear Cathy's entire reasoning for marrying Edgar in the first place how different their lives would have turned out. How miserable to be in love with someone, with your whole heart, but bound to give it to another.
Only at the very end did you get to feel any true happiness for anyone in the whole miserable story! And then, it was hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that the ones to find happiness in each other were cousins! Like I said, I know times were different then they are now, but that's just weird.
I guess, even though it was miserable and awful, it was a little good. If anything, it gives us a guide on what is definitely not a healthy relationship! LOL There were some lines in the story that were very haunting and undeniably romantic that it very nearly gave me goose bumps, but even those don't excuse the rest of it.
All in all, I'm glad I read it. I'll be starting my complete works of Jane Austen now. I love to read and at least when I do it takes my mind off other matters. But first, I really need to fold some laundry...it's really too bad it can't fold itself.
Monday, January 5, 2009
The kids and I were at the table eating dinner, or maybe lunch - I can't remember which. We were having leftovers, ham, potatoes and gravy, stuffing...the works from our Christmas meal. I noticed that Alex had eaten all of his ham, barely having touched anything else on his plate. Knowing of his fondness for meat in particular, and having A LOT of turkey and ham left over, I offered him some more ham. He eagerly accepted.
After I put the ham on his plate, he picked it up enthusiatically with both hands and very passionately (if you can even imagine a four-year-old passionate) and exclaimed, "Oh, Patricia!"...
Now, we don't know anyone named Patricia, and as far as I'm aware he's not watched any cartoons which have characters named Patricia, but he said the name with such conviction that I have to believe he got it somewhere. Surely he didn't think the pig's name was Patricia.
It completely threw me and I couldn't even stiffle my laughter. It was one of the funniest things I've ever heard him say, and the way he said it...well, I guess you'd have to be there....so funny.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
At church today, I wore make up (a little eyeshadow and mascara and blush...no big thing), and even lipstick. I should say that I almost never wear lipstick anymore because it's just a hassle. The only lipstick that I wear, if I wear it at all, is the 12 hour kind...the kind you put on once in the morning and it's there in the evening...stays on after eating, drinking, kissing...whatever...it's very durable. Well, I just got some new lipsticks because, of course, I had a coupon and they were having a sale at Fred Meyer and I could get two for the price of one...and I think that $10.00 for 1 lipstick is crazy and not worth it. So, since I've been out of my 12 hours lipstick for over a year now, I thought it was a good idea to get some now.
Anyway, you would not even believe how many people told me today how pretty I was. Cracks me up. A few people said that maybe it was the way I wore my hair or the sweater I had on, but that I looked very pretty and nice. Similarly, the same thing happened to me at work a couple of weeks ago, in fact, that time was quite embarassing, because my boss - bless his heart - actually stopped surgery to tell me how pretty I looked and then proceeded to tell the assistants to look at me (during surgery no less) as if he needed back up. What do you say during a situation like that...I got.."um, ya, you look really pretty, Rebecca".
So, advice for all the ladies out there...put lipstick on! Cracks me up, but if you want to feel better about yourself, apparently lipstick is the way to do it.
Also, I'm doing better. So far, it's been two solid days without any attacks. And, today's Relief Society lesson about the Holy Ghost and the how, who, when, why, what's about it was really awesome. Helped put things into perspective a lot, and once again gave me a lot to think about. Heidi is such an inspired woman and I'm so very grateful for her.
Friday, January 2, 2009
As most of you know, mental illness runs in my family. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia and my brother, Walter, more dominantly than anything else had manic depression, which I'm sure contributed to his suicide. My brother, Bill, is so totally crazy that I'm not even sure there is a classification for him...to be completely honest. I know at some point during his prison term he was diagnosed, but I've no clue what that diagnosis was or is.
That being said, even when asked pointedly by people in my past why I'm not crazy (and yes, people have just outright asked me why I'm normal) I've never, ever felt like I was actually crazy, or had any fear of becoming so. Until five days ago...well four because it took me a good 24 hours to come to grips with what had happened.
So, one of the things I have never experienced before are panic attacks. They are often irrational and completely maddening. My throat closes up, I begin to sweat, my heart has been throbbing out of my chest and I feel as if I can't take a deep breath. It's extremely scary. I've had several a day, some worse than others, and it doesn't make sense to me.
When I talked to a professional about it - even though my sweet husband and a dear friend have told me in the face of what has happened that it was totally common - I felt completely relieved to know that this was a normal reaction. She even surprised me by telling me that what I did to stop these attacks from escalating was the right thing to do and that most people don't have the ability or knowledge to stop them without outside help, especially if they had never had them before. She told me that I may be even more aware of such things because of my family history, which I had never before considered.
So, I feel confident saying that I'm not going crazy.
But back to the song...one of the things that I've always enjoyed doing is listening to music. It is soothing and relaxing. I found a song, which I'm almost 100% certain has nothing to do with the Savior, but at least some of the lyrics brought me closer to Him, made me think and calm down. The song is "Save the Best" by Steve Reynolds. I had never heard of him before, but apparently you can get free downloads from time to time from iTunes. Jon downloaded this a while back, because it was free (we are so very alike). Anyway, here's some of the lyrics and what I got from them:
Your needs and my needs ain't always in line.
Your wants and your wants but they're not always the same as mine.
And your love is your love, but it ain't always the forgiving kind.
And your ways are your ways, but I hope that you'll keep me in mind.
And your maze is your maze, but I know you'll get through it fine.
And your world is your world, but I know you'll be home at night.
Save your best for me.
Save your best for me.
And we'll lay it all down.
So when I listened to this song - quite a few times - I started thinking. How very often are my needs and wants different than Heavenly Father's needs and wants for me? How often am I so determinely set in my ways that I do not see the way of the Lord? Hasn't the way always been clear, set so perfectly and straight that I would be blind not to see it? Does my maze, which feels ridiculously long and twisted, have any hope to follow the path of the Savior? Will my own journey, completely different from anyone else's, eventually lead me back to where I want to be, where I desire to be?
How can I be better and turn my grief to grace? Well, I've been pouring over the scriptures, trying to make sense of things. Isn't that the best place to find answers? Of course it is! I can't even tell you what passage has helped me most or guided my thoughts more in the right direction because there are too many to list. Perhaps D&C 64: 9-11, or D&C 58: 26-27, or D&C 14: 7, and then Helaman 5: 12...How can I not feel comforted remembering these promises for me? I do feel comforted.
I do see a light at the end of this crappy tunnel and realize that no matter how long the tunnel turns out to be, if I continue to pray and be faithful I will get to the end of it..and on to a different one that I can only hope is bigger and better. Maybe I don't know exactly the right way to feel or be right now, but if I persist I will be made to know. So, I don't know if makes sense or not to anyone else, but this song helped bring me out of crazy, maybe even more than the professional, I'm not sure.
It helped me think and realize the many, many blessings I have, and that most of the time I think that I truly do try to live my life as He would have me live it. Why else would I be able to feel peace now if I wasn't in sync with the spirit? I think I do try to save the best for Him, and I have to have faith that my best is going to be good enough, or that it will be made perfect through Christ - if I allow it.
So many things to think about. All jumbled and scattered, but I'm trying to make sense of it.