I am sitting here feeling held back, withdrawn. I don't know how to describe it. I express myself through writing. When I put something down on paper, or rather type because who uses paper anymore...I can somehow process it better...no matter what it is.

So, I don't know how to begin. I feel awful. I've never in my life had to process something this difficult...and I've been through a lot of hard things, maybe even more than my share. I would rather live through what I thought was the hardest day in my life up until now a thousand times over than to have to come to grips with what has happened to my family now.

I feel angry, hurt, confused. I feel as if my faith has been shaken. Not my faith in God, or the fundamental things of the church, but my faith in people. How can I ever trust anyone again?

There are unspeakable nightmares every parent has within regards to their children, so horrific and unthinkable that if you did think on these things you would be shaken to your very core. Having to live through this now, I wonder how I'll ever be able to recover.

Part of me, and I'm grateful it is a part at all, knows that I will recover. That through the Savior's love for me, I will heal. But when, and how is unknown to me. So where to begin...

I pray. I pray for my sweet family. I pray that my broken heart will beat properly again. I pray that I can feel my Savior's love. I pray that I can be fixed and though I know I'll never understand why this has happened to my family, I pray that I can be okay with that, that what I will be made to understand will be enough for me.

I don't know how to be. I feel like I have to put on a brave face, but how can I be brave now? I just don't know. I just don't know and I don't understand.

I feel anxious. I'm a very plain facts type of person and in this instant, those plain facts are not good enough, and make me even more confused and hurt.

I finally got some sleep last night. I hadn't slept for almost 40 hours. I know I need sleep, logically I can see that we all need sleep. But now I just feel like I've rested to grieve more, to feel more. I didn't know that I could hurt more...at least when I was zombie-like I was more numb and less feeling, and I have to say that I prefer that. However, because I am a plain facts person, I know that I have to try to be normal and sleep and go through all the motions of a routine so that I can, eventually, be myself again.

I just don't know how to be. So now I have to try to process what I need to do, how I should feel. I have to figure out how to handle this impossible situation. I have to figure out how to forgive, and that has always come so easily for me. It's part of my nature to forgive, to see the better part of someone, I've honestly tried to do that. But in the face of what has happened can I ever truly forgive and give myself that peace, that hope?

And then, it's confusing to me that I don't hate the offenser. And it almost seems like I should and that most people even expect me to. Maybe that's good, maybe that is part of healing...maybe that in itself can tell me that I will be okay. That I will heal.

I have to know that because of my faith in God, because I have knowledge of the atonement and because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me so very much - that He will not forsake me. He will provide me now with what I need to pull through. He will carry me through this. I know these things, but do I feel them? I'm not sure.

So, at a time when I value so very much your opinion and encouragements, on virtually everything life related, I cannot tell you now, or possibly ever, exactly what has happened to make me feel this way. So don't ask, because I can promise no answer.

But I do ask of you to pray for my family. Pray that we can find peace. Pray for us.

I was going to sit down and write about something completely silly, and frankly, uninteresting and unnecessary...especially to the few who actually sit down and read through this rubbish. But I can't. I use this as a journal, quite often and probably more than I should. I, obviously, don't mind that anyone reads it, but I write for me. Sure, sometimes it is to keep people appraised of what is happening in the Garver household, but for the most part I just write what I feel, what makes sense to me at the time, what I want to complain about at the time...whatever.

Oddly enough, however, I feel very overwhelmed right now. I just got through reading parts of a blog recommended by Julie and realized that what I had intended to write about doesn't really matter. In the scheme of things, it isn't exciting, or write worthy. So instead, I'd much rather just tell you that, I love you.

To my good friends, new friends, blogging friends, and family...I sincerely appreciate you and love you. The things that I've learned from you have improved me in ways I cannot even express properly. Words of encouragement when I have been down or sick have come freely from many of you and has been received with a grateful heart.

I know that God loves each of us and our purpose here is to be the very best we can, to endure and return to Him. I often hope that I'm doing it right, that I might be making a difference...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you all have made a difference to me. So, thanks. ya.

Captivated By You

Ok, so I love music. Who doesn't? Anyway, I found this song on YouTube and it is so beautiful. One of my "Twilight" friends sent me the link and the video is amateur - at best. Click on it and minimize so you can just hear the music...it really isn't too horrible to watch though, especially if you don't mind looking at Rob Pattinson, which I, admittedly, do not mind. :)

Anyway, the lyrics are below. I think that it's a Christian song and I actually think of the Savior when I listen to it, but that's just me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyttAuK6Htk&feature=related

Your laughter, it echos like a joyous thunder
Your whisper, it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger, is fiercer than the sun in it's splendor
You're close and yet full of mystery
And ever since the day that I saw your face
Try as I may I cannot look away
I cannot look away

Captivated by you
I am captivated by you
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of your face

Beholding is becoming
So, as you fill my gaze
I become more like you
And my heart is changed

Beholding is becoming
So, as you fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of you
This is what I ask, for all of my days
That I may never look away
Never look away

Captivated by you
Captivated by you
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon your beauty
Fixed upon your beauty

No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away
I just can't look away

I am captivated by you
Captivated by you
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty
Fixed upon the beauty
Fixed upon the beauty of your face
The beauty of your face.

Christmas tradition, sort of.

Many, many years ago...before children, I found this little story of Three Trees. It warmed my heart and every year I read it at Christmas and during the year as well when I stumble across it in my nightstand. I hope you enjoy it. It is very touching, simple and sweet.



Three Trees

Once upon a mountaintop, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I will be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on its way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!" The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world."
Years passed. The rains came, the sun shone and the three little trees grew tall. One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" the first tree said. The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong, it is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters," thought the second tree "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!" The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me," he uttered. With a swoop of his shining axe the third tree fell.
The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop, but the carpenter fashioned her into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold nor with treasure. She was coated in sawdust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree as hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river, instead she was taken to a little lake. The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" the once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God."
Many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night golden starlight poured over the first tree as a woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. "I wish I could make a cradle for him," her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful," she said. And suddenly the first tree knew that he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.
One evening, a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree sailed quietly out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered, she knew she didn't have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand and said "Peace". The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew that she was carrying the King of heaven and earth.
One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly harsh and cruel. But, on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.

Facebook

Ok, so I have joined up with Facebook, but there's surprisingly a lot to muddle through to figure out how to do anything on it. The basics are simple enough for me, but who has the time to delve into it. Maybe all these sorts of things comes easily to the rest of the world and I'm the only one who struggles. Oh well, it just means that I'm doing other more important things...like keeping in touch with everyone here! :)

We're going to be braving the weather today to get Alex to Speech Therapy...that should be fun and exciting. :) Maybe I'll even try to do some Christmas shopping when Jon gets home tonight...I hear a lot of the stores are open until midnight...I'm at my best at those hours. :)

Albertsons Deal

Ok, so here's what I got tonight:

12 boxes Fiber one pop tarts - .70off/1 x12
8 Packages steamer frozen veggies - 1.00/1 x8
18 pouches of Idaho potatoes (variety) - .35off/1 x18
6 bag Betty Crocker cookie mixes - .50off/1 x 6
7 boxes 40oz Bisquick - .60off/1 x 7
2 boxes Tuna Helper (a filler)
1 Fiber one bar (a filler)

I should have paid $143.80 and I spent $8.98.

I did this by matching each item with exception of my fillers (I left those coupons at home) with a coupon and doubler. I paid twice (zero the first time and then $8.98 the second time)...because Jeremy (the cashier I went to this time), wanted to save himself and myself time by combining orders...I had a total of 10 orders, however.

Not too shabby. :) Oh, and the time it took me to get these deals together this time was crazy because Sam got into my coupons and decorated the carpet with them! It took me two hours just to get them organized again, not to mention then having to sort through them to get the ones I needed for the deals. She's such a helper sometimes. Gotta love it.

Santa picture

Santa here we come. This was too funny. We decided on the spur of the moment to have the kids have their picture taken with Santa. We planned on them visiting Santa anyway, but since there was no line at all we decided to take advantage of that fact. Mind you, it has snowed here and I believe that is the reason for no traffic at Santa's workshop. Regardless, I thought it turned out reasonably well...considering Sam was freaking out over the whole jolly big guy. She was not having anything to do with him and was cringing away every chance she got and we were lucky to get this picture. Not to mention that the boys had hoods on and their hair is sticking up unnaturally all over....oh, and do you notice that Sam has on two different color shoes? People always ask me if I know that she has on two different shoes, and I am always very aware of it, however, I'm just glad she has shoes on at all and since it doesn't hurt anything I figure why not?. At least she had on two of the same type of shoes and not one dress shoe and a tennis shoe, which is usually preferrable to her. I'll be posting pictures later today of the snow and the kids...or maybe tomorrow.

receipt explaination better?

Darn, I don't know if you're going to be able to see this clearly, but this is proof of the cereal deal and maybe it will explain things better than I can. You can't see the 24 boxes of cereal at once on there because the receipt is too big. But you can see how the Acosta deal worked (instant $4.00 savings per $10.o0 spent) and then the $4.00 off 4 boxes of cereal purchased coupon from FM....also, just to think about this, Saturday is the last day this deal will work. It will also work for granola bars, nature valley and fiber one, as well as fruit snacks! :) HOpe that helps.

Grocery deal alert!

Ok, so for anyone who is interested in getting GM products this week, scope out Albertson's! The cereal is a good deal and coupled with the $4.00 off GM products in the FM ad, you'll have a good deal there...even without any manu coupons you'd end up spending $2.00 on 4 boxes of cereal. Not horrible. I plan to get 12 boxes for free, however. I do this because it makes better sense to me. I plan to use 3 FM $4.00 off coupons, 4 $1.00/off 3 boxes GM cereal and one doubler.

Here's how...the cereal is on sale for 2 for $5.00...but for every $10.00 you spend you get $4.00 off instantly...that brings 4 boxes of cereal to $6.00....then if you get 12 boxes, your total is $18.00...then they will take off the 3 FM coupons for $4.00 off which brings your total to $6.00, then you use 4 $1.00 off 3 boxes manu coupons and your total becomes $2.00...then you give them the doubler and your total is ZERO!...make sense?

I'm so horrible at explaining the things in my head...if anyone needs further help, just call me. :)

I can't afford not to post this.

I love Stephanie Meyer. I appreciate her brilliant writing. I found this article that she wrote for the December 2006 issue of the Ensign. I hope you take the time to read this.

http://www.lds.org/gospellibrary/pdfmagazine/0,7779,592-6-1-2006,00.html#

Click on the December issue and then look for the article called, "Hero at the Grocery Store".

What sticks out to me is the line, "I could not afford to have my children learn lessons of compassion only from strangers."

Oh, and you might need a box of tissues.

7 important dates

So, I'm following Julie on this...and posting for my second time today! I guess it beats laying around, which I've done all day because you guessed it...we're sick....again.

"This week’s question asks you to choose up to seven dates (including years or not) that stand out to you for whatever reason. (And please give the reason if you’re willing.)"

December 20th - For several reasons. One, it's my birthday...and even though I've no clue who my father is, I know I was meant to be here and have a purpose. Secondly, I was baptized and confirmed a member of the church on this day, on my 13th birthday! It was incredible and it was my day only, I didn't have to share it with anyone else. My sister gave the most wonderful talk on the Holy Ghost. I remembered seeing a halo above her head during it and thought she was beautiful.

July 19th, 1997 - This was the day when I received my endowments and got married to my sweetheart! We did everything on one day to keep things easier. Before hand I was so nervous and rushing around, and was late for my own endowment/wedding. Jon was pacing in the foyer of the temple. He had rushed so he wouldn't be late and didn't even shave! What's funny about this is that the reason I was so late was because Susan (my escort and one of my favorite people in the world) had only shaved one leg the day before and was staying with me and took forever in the shower shaving the other leg. I think that Dave (Susan's husband and another one of my favorite people in the whole world) was going to kill me because he kept telling me to calm down because I was fidgeting so bad! Everything was so wonderful though. It was a beautiful day.

November 18th - This day, again has a lot of significance to me...Firstly, I started working for my doctors on that day 10 years ago now, and I love my job. Secondly, it was the day I had my first child. What a glorious day! Unfortunately, my labor experience left something to be desired on account of the amount of times I had to be poked, in all sorts of areas on my body, then the hours I spent pushing...only to have a c-section. One of the happiest days of my life.

August 20th - Alex was born. I was so happy. I was really worried that I was going to have to love one of my children less, but my heart just swelled enough for everyone.

March 7th - Samantha was born. She was so lovely. Right after her birth she stopped crying suddenly and the nurse about had an aneurysm...but she just stopped because she was content, and that's exactly how I felt...content. :)

March 22nd - While my sister didn't die on this day, it was the day she was in her accident. My heart broke that day. I had gotten in a fight with her the day before and was staying at a friend's house. I knew something was wrong the next morning, I could feel it. It was unnerving, and my friend kept trying to reassure me, but I wasn't in the mood for reassuring. Then, I got a phone call from a family friend and I remember asking after hearing his voice, "Is she ok?" He didn't tell me anything other than he would pick me up soon and he didn't know. We drove to Eugene and I cried the whole way, I had hoped that she would recover. For four days Terry (her husband) and I sat by her side. I held her hand and sang to her and cried. At one point, she squeezed my hand and I thought she was going to wake up, the emotions that coursed through me then were like nothing I had ever felt. We called the nurse in and they checked her and there was still no brain activity...it was some sort of reflex. My heart wept when Terry, still holding onto hope, asked if we could switch sides so that he could feel her hand respond to his, he kept asking me exactly what I did before I felt her squeeze and he tried all of it to no avail...I sat helplessly watching him realize his beloved sweetheart wasn't going to wake up.

March 30th - My sister's funeral. It was so beautiful. The celebration of her life was amazing. The people she touched in her short 25 years was astounding. There were people there from everywhere! The chapel and overflow and gym were more packed than any zone conference or stake meeting ever! It was standing room only in the back, I believe. Terry worked for Coors at the time, but had also worked at Budwiser and it was comical to see the HUGE trucks in the parking lot (with their various advertisments) and along the road of the church! But she touched so many lives and those men wanted to pay their respect so they stopped in while on their routes. When we traveled to the grave, it was so beautiful. Just a little tiny place nestled deep in the country...if you didn't know where to go you would never find it (I would probably have a hard time finding it now) and its smaller than a football field, by half. Very intimate. Her grave stone was already in place I believe, Terry hand crafted it. He chisled and sand blasted the entire thing on his own, drew the flowers on it and then carefully placed the gold leaf...it is the most beautiful headstone there and the gold against the granite is striking. He layed the brick around the grave and stone just days afterwords and we set concrete on the side for pedestal plants and his hand print is on the right side and mine on the left. She was so special.


So, those are my seven dates...they stick out in my mind when they roll around each year.

way back when

Hey, something kinda funny. I found this song from a friends site. Took me back. I sang this song at a piano recital when I was 15?...I think it was when I was 15. Such a beautiful song. The arrangement I sang was significantly different, but the words are the same and it's really beautiful. My voice coach knew my voice better than I did, so she changed things around so it flowed better.

I Heard Him Come http://www.imeem.com/people/aEKL1B/music/9gcFtEfo/jeff_goodrich_lds_i_heard_him_come/

My friend Shawna and I were quite the team...she played the piano and I sang. We chose church songs, we had a couple of requests after one recital, we thought we were all that! :) Those were the days.

Just another day....

Tomorrow I have another little mini-coupon class. I'm looking forward to it. Today I got all my coupons sorted and now they just need to be cut. I'll get to that tomorrow at some point....it's very daunting when you have over 1,000 coupons to cut and sort and file....oh well, I'll get there. The Food Day has the $10.00 off $50.00 coupons for Safeway and some other good coupons this week. I've not gotten everything sorted yet, but I'm working on it...there are some really good deals out there...I'm still working out the numbers in my head, but I'm pretty sure I've knocked down the Tillamook cheese 2lb brick for about 93 cents. We'll see if I can get it lower than that after I do some more crunching...for that price I might have to get 10 bricks..or rainchecks.

Anyway, I'm much too tired to continue. Days when you just end up falling into bed and actually going to sleep when your head hits the pillow....awe, very rare for me, but I suspect that will be the case tonight! :)