I am sitting here feeling held back, withdrawn. I don't know how to describe it. I express myself through writing. When I put something down on paper, or rather type because who uses paper anymore...I can somehow process it better...no matter what it is.
So, I don't know how to begin. I feel awful. I've never in my life had to process something this difficult...and I've been through a lot of hard things, maybe even more than my share. I would rather live through what I thought was the hardest day in my life up until now a thousand times over than to have to come to grips with what has happened to my family now.
I feel angry, hurt, confused. I feel as if my faith has been shaken. Not my faith in God, or the fundamental things of the church, but my faith in people. How can I ever trust anyone again?
There are unspeakable nightmares every parent has within regards to their children, so horrific and unthinkable that if you did think on these things you would be shaken to your very core. Having to live through this now, I wonder how I'll ever be able to recover.
Part of me, and I'm grateful it is a part at all, knows that I will recover. That through the Savior's love for me, I will heal. But when, and how is unknown to me. So where to begin...
I pray. I pray for my sweet family. I pray that my broken heart will beat properly again. I pray that I can feel my Savior's love. I pray that I can be fixed and though I know I'll never understand why this has happened to my family, I pray that I can be okay with that, that what I will be made to understand will be enough for me.
I don't know how to be. I feel like I have to put on a brave face, but how can I be brave now? I just don't know. I just don't know and I don't understand.
I feel anxious. I'm a very plain facts type of person and in this instant, those plain facts are not good enough, and make me even more confused and hurt.
I finally got some sleep last night. I hadn't slept for almost 40 hours. I know I need sleep, logically I can see that we all need sleep. But now I just feel like I've rested to grieve more, to feel more. I didn't know that I could hurt more...at least when I was zombie-like I was more numb and less feeling, and I have to say that I prefer that. However, because I am a plain facts person, I know that I have to try to be normal and sleep and go through all the motions of a routine so that I can, eventually, be myself again.
I just don't know how to be. So now I have to try to process what I need to do, how I should feel. I have to figure out how to handle this impossible situation. I have to figure out how to forgive, and that has always come so easily for me. It's part of my nature to forgive, to see the better part of someone, I've honestly tried to do that. But in the face of what has happened can I ever truly forgive and give myself that peace, that hope?
And then, it's confusing to me that I don't hate the offenser. And it almost seems like I should and that most people even expect me to. Maybe that's good, maybe that is part of healing...maybe that in itself can tell me that I will be okay. That I will heal.
I have to know that because of my faith in God, because I have knowledge of the atonement and because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me so very much - that He will not forsake me. He will provide me now with what I need to pull through. He will carry me through this. I know these things, but do I feel them? I'm not sure.
So, at a time when I value so very much your opinion and encouragements, on virtually everything life related, I cannot tell you now, or possibly ever, exactly what has happened to make me feel this way. So don't ask, because I can promise no answer.
But I do ask of you to pray for my family. Pray that we can find peace. Pray for us.