Saturday, January 17, 2009

Closure. I wish that I had it; I do have it to some degree, but I need this crap in our lives to be over already. It's very consuming and draining and despite the welcome distractions I find myself thinking about it all the time. I feel tormented...not by what happened initially, just the after effects of that first choice, a choice I never made. I'm miserable because of someone else's choice, and it's not fair.

And I guess, if I had to pinpoint exactly why I'm so down it's because of compassion. I have so much compassion and heart ache for the other party involved in this mess and it's very frustrating that I don't know how they're handling it. I want to reach out to them - to let them know that I geniunely don't harbor ill feelings anymore, but I'm bound by law not to...and being bound this way is maddening and unnerving. So, I can only see, can only feel, can only suspect.

I just want it to end. Who knew that this process was soooo long. And then, completely uninformed! If someone could just give me a time line already!

I've found a lot of peace through prayer and scripture study. I really do feel lifted up and I'm not so worried about myself or family ultimately finding that complete peace, because I know that through the Savior I will find it, we will feel it and know it. I'm just so worried that the other party will not find it, because they don't know how to find it or they think that because of the circumstance they never can find it. I want to share with them the steps I've taken to find it, I want to share the gospel with them to give them hope. From what I can see, almost everyday, they are in pain. It is very real and staring me in the face, everyday - I can't escape it. So everyday my heart is breaking, again and again, for them.

Even though it's not their choice that caused's hard for any parent not to feel responsibility when their children make decisions/choices so heinous. Of course they feel awful. I just wish I could say something to ease their pain, to let them know this is not their fault, that I feel that this nightmare is not something they have to bear alone. That the Savior can help them, too.

I wish so much for them, so much...and I hate that I can't even tell them that, that everyday that I see them I can only do just that, see them, not talk to them. (Which is extremely hard to do when you talked almost everyday before!) I did wave the other day, and I hoped that in the small gesture they saw that I recognize their suffering, and when the wave was returned they recognized mine.

1 comment:

vaxhacker said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I can feel the heartache even through your words here. Sorry you're in that position, and understand the frustration at being bound to not be able to do what you want to do to help. Man....

(I apologize if this appears twice. I tried posting this comment earlier but it looks like it didnt't take.)