Monday, October 6, 2008

Help

Calling for help/advice with Alex. I have no clue here how to correct this. Alex is my middle child, maybe that is why we're having such difficulty with him. He is very angry all the time. I can only attribute it to anger because of how he acts. He tightens his fists and contorts his face and jaw and often screams so loudly along with it. He throws objects, kicks the walls, hurts his sibblings. I just don't know what to do here. I know part of it is me in that when he responds in that way I'm not always quick to be calm or patient, especially when someone gets hurt. I've tried time outs, the corner, spankings, nothing seems to work with him. I've tried calmly discussing with him how his actions make others feel, how they make me feel, and it doesn't seem to phase him. I've even fibbed to him before when he said, "I hate you", by telling him that when he says that he wants me to die and bleed and hurt and never wants to see me again. I know that's harsh, but I was thinking at the time that if he realized that by saying that the consequences were horrible he wouldn't say it anymore. It worked for awhile actually, but now that doesn't even work.

I spend extra time with him one on one because I feel that he needs the special attention so he doesn't act out. I'm wondering if he acts that way so I will give him the extra attention, and I certainly don't want him to think this extra attention is because of his behavior (which most of the time it is).

I've talked to the doctor about this and she seems to think that it is a phase, but in my opinion it is unacceptable. I cannot handle this behavior any longer. It's really wearing on me and bringing me down.

So help! I would appreciate any advise on how to handle this, and I don't even know if any of you can even offer any advise because I'm hoping you've never had this happen before, but if you can please offer it.

4 comments:

Julie said...

You're already doint what I would advise--spending extra one-on-one with him. The only other thing I can think is read "Parenting with Love and Logic" if you haven't already. It's a WONDERFUL book! It talks a lot about how to parent without anger and how to help the child handle his own problems. They also have a website that has articles on a number of topics. You might just find exactly what you need for this particular problem--try this one - http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/0401tvarticle.pdf.

Hope it helps. Sorry you're going through this. Believe me, you're not alone. I've gone through it to one degree or another with a couple of my kids. Love and Logic really helped.

meganconser said...

We talked breifly about this today-- here is my additional advice(Not that you should take it, my DD just told me today she hated me in front of a bunch of people when picking up DS from a class! EEK!): Stay consistant with whatever method you choose. For my kids spanking doesn't help, and I don't know why, it sure deterred me when I was kid. We do use time outs- and it took us months to get them to actually stay in time. We also talk about this behavior when its calm and how hard it is on the entire family. Its a good subject for FHE, then they don't feel personally attacked- everyone in the family is hearing it-right? Also, I am finding focusing on the positive has helped us. Can you reward him for when he is being good? My kids are all about charts and we started a Reward Chart for chores and being nice and other helpful activities and it has actually seemed to help out a lot. I know its hard! And it hurts! Just hang in there.. you are a good mom!

Tonya said...

I think the one on one time with Alex is a great idea. When my kids act up I have found it helpful to put them in their room and tell them that they can come back when they are ready to be nice. It might be worth a try. I do think consistency is key. It is so hard sometimes when your tired and frusterated! Hang in there Rebecca. You are a good Mom. Oh, and I would recommend the Love and Logic book as well. I don't practice it as faithfully as Julie does, but it does have some very helpful and "that makes sense" approaches in it.

Stacey said...

I have had a few moments like those, but Alex is more consistant with it, right? Anger is a big deal for Rannon too, have you tried having Jon give him a blessing? It isn't right away but it helps, and Rannon and Jonah absolutely have to listen to scriptures every night while in bed or they are not fit to live with. I say that because I love them, they really aren't. Anyway your other friends seem to have the right ideas too, but I thought maybe if it is genetic, lol, the same thing could help yours that helped mine. love you and give him a hug for me...hehehe. stacey