On the way to healing, I think.

I've been thinking lately a lot about my mom. As you all know, her illness has brought me a lot of heart ache throughout my life. I resolved myself some time back that I would not allow her to be part of my life...only on very limited terms. I did this to protect my own sanity and my family. I try not to talk to her too often, and I don't even allow her to have my home phone number or address.

I chose this more extreme course of action after the last police visit a couple of years ago...or almost a couple of years ago, on that Sunday morning. It makes me sick to think about it. It is still mind boggling to me that she would accuse me of child abuse, drug use and child starvation....all because I can only imagine the voices in her head told her this. I'll never forget how one of the officers held his hand on his gun the whole time and ordered my husband to sit down in his own home. It just makes me angry. And the fact that they left no cupboard unopened and that they went through my personal things, I felt very violated. I felt relief afterwords, however, when they realized that this was a mistake and that an appology was in order, that we provided a good home and seemed like a very loving family.

Having said all of that, recently I've been re-thinking my stance on allowing her more contact with us. There were so many other things, other hurts that I just can't seem to get over or deal with very well, but I'm trying. I know that she's a wonderful, very giving person...now. She's better, but I still can't help thinking that at what point is it going to get bad again?

This is something that I'm really struggling with, I just don't know what to do. I discussed it briefly with Jon the other night that I was thinking I might invite her to come to Thanksgiving. He said that he wasn't sure it was a good idea. I know he knows I struggle with this and he is such a support to me, especially when dealing with her and all the absolutely crazy, outlandish things that she's come up with over the years. So, I feel bad about wanting to let her back in, albeit only for a day or two, because I don't want Jon to hurt if I hurt...does that make sense? And furthermore, I know that if I do let her come she's going to press to come more...which I'm not sure I can handle.

So, what do you think? What should I do? Do I allow more time for healing and just keep going on and doing what I've been doing...only allowing phone calls? Do I allow her to come back into my life, my children's lives, on a trial basis to give things a go again? It's all overwhelming. My heart hurts and I just don't know what to do. I rely on my Father in Heaven so much in this case, but I'm torn between several reasonable options and I just don't know which one is what He wants me to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. ACK!