Tuesday, November 4, 2008

On the way to healing, I think.

I've been thinking lately a lot about my mom. As you all know, her illness has brought me a lot of heart ache throughout my life. I resolved myself some time back that I would not allow her to be part of my life...only on very limited terms. I did this to protect my own sanity and my family. I try not to talk to her too often, and I don't even allow her to have my home phone number or address.

I chose this more extreme course of action after the last police visit a couple of years ago...or almost a couple of years ago, on that Sunday morning. It makes me sick to think about it. It is still mind boggling to me that she would accuse me of child abuse, drug use and child starvation....all because I can only imagine the voices in her head told her this. I'll never forget how one of the officers held his hand on his gun the whole time and ordered my husband to sit down in his own home. It just makes me angry. And the fact that they left no cupboard unopened and that they went through my personal things, I felt very violated. I felt relief afterwords, however, when they realized that this was a mistake and that an appology was in order, that we provided a good home and seemed like a very loving family.

Having said all of that, recently I've been re-thinking my stance on allowing her more contact with us. There were so many other things, other hurts that I just can't seem to get over or deal with very well, but I'm trying. I know that she's a wonderful, very giving person...now. She's better, but I still can't help thinking that at what point is it going to get bad again?

This is something that I'm really struggling with, I just don't know what to do. I discussed it briefly with Jon the other night that I was thinking I might invite her to come to Thanksgiving. He said that he wasn't sure it was a good idea. I know he knows I struggle with this and he is such a support to me, especially when dealing with her and all the absolutely crazy, outlandish things that she's come up with over the years. So, I feel bad about wanting to let her back in, albeit only for a day or two, because I don't want Jon to hurt if I hurt...does that make sense? And furthermore, I know that if I do let her come she's going to press to come more...which I'm not sure I can handle.

So, what do you think? What should I do? Do I allow more time for healing and just keep going on and doing what I've been doing...only allowing phone calls? Do I allow her to come back into my life, my children's lives, on a trial basis to give things a go again? It's all overwhelming. My heart hurts and I just don't know what to do. I rely on my Father in Heaven so much in this case, but I'm torn between several reasonable options and I just don't know which one is what He wants me to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. ACK!


vaxhacker said...

Things can get better and worse with these kinds of things... I'd welcome the feeling of some healing, hope for the best, but if it were me I'd still protect my family and keep a safe distance because you really can't know when she'll take a downturn again.

My heart goes out to you, though, that's a heartbreaking situation to be in.

Julie said...

Ack is right! I don't know what I'd do. That's really a tough one. All I can say is Pray! Pray! Pray! Then do what you feel is right. I think I'd also listen to Jon. When you say things could get worse again, and you wait for that to happen, that's a red flag in my mind.

meganconser said...

This is hard Rebecca- I am sorry its such a struggle for you. I am so sad you have to deal with this. Of course, I can't give you any advice that would be better than any revelation you might receive thru prayer. I agree with Julie- listen to your husband. He knows your situation probably as well as you do, but doesn't have the emotional pull of it behing his mom. He will be more objective with protecting your beautiful little ones too. How would she do with a one on one with just the two of you? How would you do with that? Would a long-distance relationship(like thru e-mail or phone) that you could cultivate without seeing eachother work?

Try going to the temple on this too. I am amazed at the things revealed to me about my family situation each time I go with a concern in mind. Let me know how it goes.

Tonya said...

Oh Rebecca. This is so tough. I have had some crazy experiences with my own family and at times have wondered if it would be more worth it for my sanity and my family if I were to just cut all ties. I never felt like that was the right answer, so I choose to look for the positive in them and let them in. That being said however, it sounds like your Mom has been a lot more hurtful in crazy ways which does put up huge red flags. Your first
responsibility is to protect your family. I would pray a lot about this and I would definately follow your gut instinct. I am proud of you for not giving up on her.

Stacey said...

I am sorry that I have taken so long to check on all your blogs... not so great right? I see you have plenty of good people in your life too, so that is great.

As far as your mom goes, I can see where you are coming from, and the teachings to forgive and forget are taught every sunday... that being said I was given some very good advice once that I wanted to share.

Give it more time. (my children were still very young) Wait until they are old enough to understand. Until your youngest can understand.

Forgiving is asked of God, as is protecting our family.

Anyway that is my grain of salt, :) and thanks for the advice on the website, you want to go check it out and see if that is what you mean?