Feeling anxious.

Jon's going to be leaving this week for only a few days, but it's been years since he had to go to a seminar or anything. The last time he left to go play with a friend in Vermont, I went to pieces. I literally cried, uncontrollably for the entire time he was gone. Granted at that time I was pregnant with morning sickness(I can't remember if I was on bedrest at that point in the pregnancy or not as well), and the flu and taking care of a very sick toddler...but still, it was a rough time. I don't see that happening this time by any means, but it makes me nervous to know he's going to be gone.

I rely on him a lot. He's such a good man, the best man for me. :)

Then, I finally have to teach the coupon class this week on Friday. That makes me nervous on account that I haven't taught a huge group before, so we'll see how that goes. I'll post when it's finished to let everyone know how it turned out. With luck it will go how I have planned and everyone will understand what I'm talking about....

We're feeling better today, all of us. I think we had food poisoning from pizza from Austin's birthday. All of us were sick yesterday (I actually fell asleep three times due to exhaustion). Poor Sam was having a hard time making it to the toilet, and she's really good about that. She's not had any troubles today now, so I think the worst is behind us. Thankfully.

Ok, I've got to get going to start dinner. I've got to get a bunch of dictation done still before the end of the night.

For FHE tonight we'll be watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon that Austin got for his birthday, which is officially tomorrow actually. ;)

Agh!

So I think that I may be starting to get Austin's cold/flu thing. I don't feel well. I haven't curled up on the couch for a while with the boys to watch a cartoon or video while Sam took a nap for a long time. Today I did and fell completely asleep. We were watching some sort of Playhouse Disney cartoon, and I don't even remember what it was. Anyway, I woke up to Sam's muffled cries. She was sitting on the floor next to the couch right by my head pouting. Apparently there was no room for her to squish in and cuddle too. It cracked me up. I picked her up and placed her on my lap after some adjustments and Austin very kindly moved over so she could fit. It's amazing how just a simple gesture can improve someones outlook so drastically. She was so very content in sitting with me and stopped crying immediately. What a sweetheart my children are. I love how they are very aware of each other and each other's feelings...sometimes.

Funny!

Ok, so I was reading the news online and something caught my eye about Twilight....I clicked on it and this is what I found...the lost script. I laughed so hard...

http://movies.msn.com/movies/galleryfeature/lost-twilight-script/?photoidx=1

You have to go through all the photos and click off to the side for the dialog....cracks me up.

Leave Out All The Rest

Ok, all you Twilight fans..there's a song on the soundtrack that is really good and it's been stuck in my head. (Ya, I know I'm pathetic...I got the soundtrack.)

Here's the words:

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
when I'm done here?

So if your asking me
I want you to know

When my times comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I'm shed but I'm me

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if your asking me
I want you to know

When my times comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my times comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
and save me from myself
I can't be who you are, I can't be who you are


There is a lot of really good music on this cd, a wide range of artists, including a couple of songs from Rob Pattinson (the guy who plays Edward in the movie coming out)...his song style and music is very interesting, but I actually really like it...very Jeff Buckley, who I really like, too.

So that's it I guess...it's just stuck in my head and I thought I'd share.

Other than that, nothing exciting to report. Austin has a really high fever and started getting sick last night before dinner. I just gave him some Motrin on account that his temp was 103.7...which for him isn't too terrible, but still rather high. I thought I'd try to get it to come down a little bit at least. I don't usually worry so much with him until it gets past 104.3....which at the rate he's going could happen tonight. Oh joy. At least I get to go to a meeting tonight so I can escape it for a few hours right?

Sunday's lesson in Relief Society

I was so moved during the lesson in Relief Society this past Sunday, I was going to blog about it yesterday, but my heart was too full and I knew things would come out in a mush or I would fall to pieces...again. There's no hope that I will keep a dry eye now. I'm sure some of the ladies in the ward thought I was a boob because I just couldn't keep the tearing from spilling over.

Sister Boswell is such an inspired leader. She allowed the spirit to direct her during her lesson and I have no doubt that is why the spirit spoke so strongly to me. She gave great insite to the times of these letters as well. Anyway, here's some of the letters:

To Emma Smith on October 13, 1832, from New York City, New York: “This day I have been walking through the most splendid part of the city of New York. The buildings are truly great and wonderful, to the astonishing of every beholder. … After beholding all that I had any desire to behold, I returned to my room to meditate and calm my mind; and behold, the thoughts of home, of Emma and Julia, rush upon my mind like a flood and I could wish for a moment to be with them. My breast is filled with all the feelings and tenderness of a parent and a husband, and could I be with you I would tell you many things. …
“I feel as if I wanted to say something to you to comfort you in your peculiar trial and present affliction [Emma was pregnant at the time]. I hope God will give you strength that you may not faint. I pray God to soften the hearts of those around you to be kind to you and take the burden off your shoulders as much as possible and not afflict you. I feel for you, for I know your state and that others do not, but you must comfort yourself knowing that God is your friend in heaven and that you have one true and living friend on earth, your husband.”3
To Emma Smith on November 12, 1838, from Richmond, Missouri, where he was being held prisoner: “I received your letter, which I read over and over again; it was a sweet morsel to me. O God, grant that I may have the privilege of seeing once more my lovely family in the enjoyment of the sweets of liberty and social life. To press them to my bosom and kiss their lovely cheeks would fill my heart with unspeakable gratitude. Tell the children that I am alive and trust I shall come and see them before long. Comfort their hearts all you can, and try to be comforted yourself all you can. …
“P.S. Write as often as you can, and if possible come and see me, and bring the children if possible. Act according to your own feelings and best judgment, and endeavor to be comforted, if possible, and I trust that all will turn out for the best.”

Wow. Be still my heart Joseph! What an amazing comfort Emma must have felt when she read those words, "I feel for you, for I know your state and that others do not, but you must comfort yourself knowing that God is your friend in heaven and that you have one true and living friend on earth, your husband."

To Emma Smith on November 12, 1838, from Richmond, Missouri, where he was being held prisoner: “Tell little Joseph he must be a good boy; Father loves him with a perfect love. He is the eldest and must not hurt those that are smaller than him, but comfort them. Tell little Frederick Father loves him with all his heart; he is a lovely boy. Julia is a lovely little girl. I love her also. She is a promising child. Tell her Father wants her to remember him and be a good girl. Tell all the rest that I think of them and pray for them all. … Little Alexander is on my mind continually. O my affectionate Emma, I want you to remember that I am a true and faithful friend to you and the children forever. My heart is entwined around yours forever and ever. Oh, may God bless you all, amen. I am your husband and am in bands and tribulation.”

When Joseph speaks to his children and calls them by name and gives direction to them it reminds me of the how Alma and Helaman where with their children, and the strippling warriors. What a blessing for them to know, not only is their father acutely aware of them and their wants and needs, but also that the prophet is praying for them.

Good grief. There is just so much I want to discuss. There is so much we have to learn from that man. I can only hope that just these few letters leave you with a desire to read this lesson. It's very touching.

Ok, I've got a clean up to tend to, I would love to write more, but we all know how that goes.

Good deed done.

So, I had something happen to me today that I've never had happen. I was getting one of the new salted carmel hot chocolates from Starbucks...a guilty pleasure. I was in the drive thru because it was pooring rain and I didn't want to get soaked...it was bad enough I had to roll down my window. Anyway, I went to pay and the gal told me that the guy in front of me had already paid for my drink! Can you believe that?! What was even more funny was that I was complaining to myself after ordering about how I was going to spend $4.00 on this drink when I get an entire grocery cart full of food for about that same price. I was telling myself that it's ok to indulge every once in awhile and trying to talk myself out of feeling bad and then that happens! How funny is that?! So, I had to pay for the person's order behind me, but I got a deal still because that was only $2.15! Kind of made my day....doesn't take much, but it was really cool.

Today was a good day. I ended up getting all the laundry folded and actually put away! That, in itself, was a huge accomplishment and I think you'd agree if you saw how huge the pile was! Then we got the entire downstairs picked up, with exception of my office...but I'm not sure that will ever be organized and I've kind of resolved myself to the fact that it just is going to be rather lived in messily for awhile. I've got other things to worry about that are more of a priority..like people.

Austin has been riding the bus. He actually likes it a lot. I've been enjoying walking the couple of blocks to the stop to pick him up. It's been kind of funny how much Alex talks during that time. He's such a sweet spirit. He was telling me today about how he found a coupon in the bushes yesterday and couldn't believe I didn't pick it up. I told him that I didn't even see any coupon on the ground because surely I would have picked it up. "That's what I thought, mom, I knew you didn't saw it." When we went by the same bush it was still there today and I saw that it was only an ad, not a coupon. I regret now that I didn't pick it up, not because Alex thought it was a coupon, but because it was a good opportunity for him to see that even if I didn't want that particular thing it would be good to pick up the trash and take care of it. I didn't think about it until we were home. Maybe I'll bring a bag so we can pick up trash along our route to and from the bus stop so he has the opportunity to help in his community. (Maybe if he is so willing to pick up outdoors the desire to do that indoors will be greater?...I know...wishful thinking.)

Anyway, I've got to get some work done before it gets too much later. Hope this finds you all well.

Benign!

So, one of the lumps is a benign cyst and the other is a "fatty nodule". I'm quite relieved. Whew! :)

Blah!

I'm completely nervous and anxious, I can't even say. I found a lump in my breast a couple of months ago and immediately made an appointment to see my doctor...they couldn't get me in to see them until this last Monday. So, I thought, I won't worry because there's no point in doing so until I know what to be worried about. A month after that I found another lump, in my other breast. Still, I remained calm and placed my fears on the Lord. How incrediblely peaceful I was about this. I hardly gave it any more thought actually.

Then I saw the doctor on Monday and was relieved because then I would know what was going on. But then, when the doctor told me that he wasn't sure what to make of one of the lumps, I felt sick. Why was I panicking now? I have had months to think about this, why am I so nervous now...it's driving me crazy. He told me that he wanted me to wait another 3-4 weeks, 4 weeks max, and then if it was still there then I needed to call and they would get me in for imaging immediately. One thing he kept saying was that I was so young...and so that was good. But hey, let's face it...I'm going to be 30 in about a month...which is still young, but older.

So, after hearing that I started thinking that maybe I should just get the imaging done now. I met my deductible when I was hospitalized in June for ectopic pregnancy....why wait? I called the doctor and he agrees now is a good time as any to start that process and I'm going in to start the process in a couple of hours. I don't even need to wait long....but it's long enough.

Maybe that's why I've thought so much about all sorts of weird things in the last few days...Blah...I have to get ready to go.

On the way to healing, I think.

I've been thinking lately a lot about my mom. As you all know, her illness has brought me a lot of heart ache throughout my life. I resolved myself some time back that I would not allow her to be part of my life...only on very limited terms. I did this to protect my own sanity and my family. I try not to talk to her too often, and I don't even allow her to have my home phone number or address.

I chose this more extreme course of action after the last police visit a couple of years ago...or almost a couple of years ago, on that Sunday morning. It makes me sick to think about it. It is still mind boggling to me that she would accuse me of child abuse, drug use and child starvation....all because I can only imagine the voices in her head told her this. I'll never forget how one of the officers held his hand on his gun the whole time and ordered my husband to sit down in his own home. It just makes me angry. And the fact that they left no cupboard unopened and that they went through my personal things, I felt very violated. I felt relief afterwords, however, when they realized that this was a mistake and that an appology was in order, that we provided a good home and seemed like a very loving family.

Having said all of that, recently I've been re-thinking my stance on allowing her more contact with us. There were so many other things, other hurts that I just can't seem to get over or deal with very well, but I'm trying. I know that she's a wonderful, very giving person...now. She's better, but I still can't help thinking that at what point is it going to get bad again?

This is something that I'm really struggling with, I just don't know what to do. I discussed it briefly with Jon the other night that I was thinking I might invite her to come to Thanksgiving. He said that he wasn't sure it was a good idea. I know he knows I struggle with this and he is such a support to me, especially when dealing with her and all the absolutely crazy, outlandish things that she's come up with over the years. So, I feel bad about wanting to let her back in, albeit only for a day or two, because I don't want Jon to hurt if I hurt...does that make sense? And furthermore, I know that if I do let her come she's going to press to come more...which I'm not sure I can handle.

So, what do you think? What should I do? Do I allow more time for healing and just keep going on and doing what I've been doing...only allowing phone calls? Do I allow her to come back into my life, my children's lives, on a trial basis to give things a go again? It's all overwhelming. My heart hurts and I just don't know what to do. I rely on my Father in Heaven so much in this case, but I'm torn between several reasonable options and I just don't know which one is what He wants me to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. ACK!