Tough times.

I posted at the end of December and early January about something that was very difficult for me. While I didn't go into any specific details or particulars about what my family and I were going through, I received support from many friends who love me and my family. I feel grateful to have such friends.

I still cannot manage to post what happened. I can't even write it for my own personal record for that matter. I have been unable to talk about it without shaking or feeling anxious and expect that to never change. I might have a better understanding - that's not the right word - more knowledge that I didn't have before, and that has lessened, somewhat, my fears and uneasiness. And just when I think that I've let it go, just when I think that I've gotten it together and have moved on, something happens to throw me right back, not quite to the beginning but close to it.

I just have a broken heart. It's like there are little pieces of a 3D puzzle missing. Today I got another little piece, a type of piece that enhances one side of the puzzle - that makes it so that I can more clearly see the picture as a whole...or at least see the picture better still with missing pieces. I can see the puzzle's potiential now and make better guesses about what is missing, without knowing for sure.

But, now having this knowledge makes it worse. It was better to just speculate rather than think that this could possibly go deeper than I originally imagined or dared to think about.

And, I'm grateful that we're alright. That our side of this puzzle is very clearly in tact, with no variation of truth to be considered because it was only ever based on fact, and I consider fact in this case, truth. So I should be grateful, right? I should be relieved, and I am relieved...more so than I can even tell you. That part makes me want to sing.

But...the rest of this puzzle is broken and the last side is completely unfinished. This is what makes me heart broken. This is what makes me, not lose hope, but feel hopeless...powerless. It's crazy and I can't stop feeling just awful for them. I hate not being able to tell someone who's so incredibly wounded that they will be alright. I want to tell them that God loves them, but when they outright say that they feel like a failure and you can see they believe that of themselves...it's excruitating. Unbearable.

And what's worse is knowing that they are good, but just like me and my family, they were dealt something impossible and have to live through it.

But the worst part for me today was looking into this person's eyes and seeing that they are pained beyond any words. That they are so grief stricken that they've become hollow and dispondent almost beyond recognition. Even when I felt inspired to tell them that this is not their fault and that I do think they are good and hope that they can see that eventually and that I don't think they've failed me as they feel they have, I can see that it did no good. It kills me, it just kills me.

So, I've prayed more today - not that I don't pray always anyway...I like to think that I've got an open line going all the time with the Lord, because I do. But my prayers for others have been more heartfelt and sincere.

I see how very blessed I am to know God. I know I am blessed. I just wish that I could make others know that He loves them, too. I wish that I could see them how He sees them for just a brief second so that maybe I could know exactly the words to say to bring comfort to them so they'll really hear it and feel it.

It just really stinks.

Ping pong at its finest...

http://www.noob.us/humor/excessive-ping-pong-celebration/

Ok, so when you click on this link, check the heading....and then watch the video. Pay attention to the score at the end.

Dog Funny...so funny.

Ok, here's something that is so entirely funny...there are few words even to describe it. Enjoy.

http://www.noob.us/humor/sleep-walking-dog-runs-into-a-wall/

Funny.

Ok, so this is terrible. I'm completely aware of it. I'm posting it because I actually thought it was legit...and actually had to watch almost until the very end before I realized that it was a hoax. LOL Anyway, it was so funny and you all probably would have figured that out far before I did. I'm so gullable.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/fda_approves_depressant_drug_for

Blah..

I wish so very much that we could be well. Anyway...not posted in a few days because I've been in a funk. Very weird. I have a lot to say (surprised?) but just don't know where to begin...which is sort of a first for me. I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Anyway, I hope you are all well.

ABC tag

The rules are :
1. To each letter of the alphabet, write a word connected to you
2. Tag 6 people to do this next.

A - Alive.
B - Believing.
C - Cute. (I say cute because people always say, "Oh, you're so cute" I think Goofy better suited though.)
D - Determined, definitely.
E - Ernestine (my middle name)
F - Family...the most important thing
G - Girlie
H - Hyper
I - Ice cold. I'm freezing all the time!
J - Jon (you can't have one of us without the other)
K - Kind.
L - LOL...I'm always cracking up.
M - Music (once again, you can't have one without the other)
N - Nerdy. Yes, I said it. I'm really quite nerdy...but that's the new cool, in case you were wondering.
O - Outstanding handwriting...unless I'm writing in a chart, then I'm just as bad as the doctors. LOL
P - Professional Appeal writer
Q - Quint (my brother-in-law)...can't think of anything else for Q
R - Reader of all things that are good.
S - Superbad..um, ya.
T - Twilight...I just love those books!
U - Unwavering in my faith.
V - Va va voom lipstick...hehe
W - Weirdo (self professed...um, ya)
X - Xcited, a lot of the time.
Y - You! You are all a part of me somehow, thanks for that.
Z - Zippie.

Ok, so now I tag, Julie, Wendy, Heather, Vickie, Stacey, Teri

Have fun guys! :)

Clothing exchange

The Relief Society in my old ward just did this and it makes a load of sense to me. Not to mention that I've heard a lot of my friends lately say something along the lines of "I need a new ward robe or I need to get a new outfit". So, I was thinking, what if we did a clothing exchange? We could take clothes we didn't want anymore (taking into account stains and holes...and not bringing those items, of course) or things that we can't fit into anymore (unfortunately I have a few items like that...ok, A LOT of items like that) and put them in a pile. Then anyone can rummage through the stuff and pick what they want to take home. If we get a large enough group of gals who are willing to sort through their crap (treasure) then maybe we can actually do some good here. There's bound to be something for everyone and what no one wants we'll just take to the DI, or Goodwill.

What do you think? Is this a good idea? Am I crazy for even thinking it?

Grocery deals ending today. Sorry! :(

Here's what I got tonight:

10 bags of Betty Crocker cookie mix
1 gallon milk (filler)
1 loaf bread (filler)
10 tubs Betty Crocker frosting
3 lbs bananas
1 1/2 pouds apples
1 package Peeps (bluck)
10 boxes Chex mix cereal bars
10 Pillbury Cresant rolls (refrigerated)
1 12 count eggs

I should have spent $130.35. With my coupons and store coupons I paid $3.59. That's less than 1 gallon of milk people! Not my best ever haul, but not bad either.

I promise to go through the ad early this week so I can say what deals I'm getting for you all. I've been so swamped that I've not gotten around to getting this done lately. Sorry. From a glance, I can see that Albertson's has some really good deals going on now...so check that out and see what you can find.

My romantic husband

Last night while waiting for all the kids to take baths and brush their teeth, I decided to sit down and read some Mansfield Park. Then I decided that I would listen to music at the same time (ya, I'm talented like that), but decided that All American Rejects probably wouldn't set the mood for Mansfield and Edmund...so I started browsing through my iPod for the right mood. I was going to go for something like "Clair de lune", but then came across something entirely new to me. Jon must have put a new song on for me, I thought, so I opened up the single to give it a quick listen to see if it was something that would be suitable for reading.

It certainly was.

However, that wasn't what grabbed my attention. The song is "I'd Rather Be With You" by Joshua Radin from the album Simple Times. I gave it a listen and then another. It is very, very sweet.

Jon put this sweet tune on my iPod just for me and it gave me chills. If you haven't already heard this song, look it up (someday I'll get fancy enough to actually add the video into my post, but I've still no clue how to do this). So I sauntered into the bedroom where Jon was watching an episode of some show where they were crashing school busses (I know). Here's our conversation:

me: Jon, that was so sweet of you to put this great song on my iPod. I love it! Thank you! (then I even lean over and kiss him and rub his shoulder)

him: Um, I did? What song is it?

me: Are you serious? Did I just give you an opportunity to be completely romantic and reply something along the lines of, "Of couse, I love you. I meant the song to be especially for you." But, no. (I should note that while I'm on this little rant he can't keep a grin from spreading across his face.)

pause

me: Let me give you another opportunity, honey. We'll start over.

pause

me: Oh honey, thank you so much for putting this sweet song on my iPod! I love it. I can't believe you did this for only me and thought of me the whole time and that you were just showing how much you love me!

him: Ya, ya. I thought you might like it.


So there you have it. My husband is completely romantic...especially when prompted or told what to say. :)

How could I have missed this for so long?

Drum roll please....

SPAM! Wham! SPAM!

I've never tried SPAM before yesterday. I know, how can I be Mormon and not have tried SPAM?!!? I'll remind you that I am a convert to the church people. I know, how could I have grown up in the projects and not have tried SPAM?!?!? To that I have no answer.

Well, I can't say that I got the full effect because I tried the 50% less sodium, less fat kind, but that counts, right? I tried it because....you guessed it - I got it for free.

I must confess, having never prepared Spam before I was a little surprised by the vast amount of ways it can be prepared. More importantly, however, I decided the way I would try it first was to have it on bread with cheese and mayo.

I was informed after I had already prepared the sandwich that I should have fried it first...at least according to Jon. So here's how it went:

me: Hum...it's not as salty as I expected (probably because I got the less sodium kind, duh). It sort of has the consistency of mashed potatoes, or something mushy mushy...which again wasn't expected.

me (after another bite): This is surprisingly...enjoyable! LOL I don't understand what I was so afraid of!

Then...after eating 1/2 of the sandwich, I had to convince Jon to eat the other half. Why? Because that stuff is rich! I couldn't eat anymore (it might have had something to do with the fact that I had eaten - single handedly - half a bag of Lays potato chips, too).

So there you have it. If you haven't already tried SPAM, you should - it's surprisingly good! I could be the new spokesperson for SPAM.